My sister is getting engaged but my mom doesn't want her to

Something similar happened to us too. During my sister's engagement, my mom constantly pressured her with "Are you ready for work or home?" My sister cried multiple times, but in the end, my dad told her to back off a bit, and she relaxed a little. 🥲

But on the other hand, she's right; the new generation is in such a hurry. Every mother wants things to settle down a bit before marriage. Rather than being in debt and unhappy...

this "early" remark seems a bit ridiculous to me. How old is this girl, is she really going to wait for her mother's permission as she approaches 30? 🙄

You said your sister is saying that your mom's words are ruining your morale, but does your fiancé's family know about such a situation? 🥲

@soncaykaldi they don't know at the moment, but if things continue like this, it seems they'll have to intervene. My mom has been constantly saying 'you rushed before too.'

@kahvebitmeden back then people might have been more at ease, but now even two people working is still tough. Are they supposed to postpone the engagement just because of work? Besides, that job could change over time too.

There’s no single solution anymore, everyone will have to find their own way.

Could there be other reasons behind the mother worrying this much? Is she not quite fond of her sister's suitor, or is she expressing another issue in this way? Sometimes the matter at hand can be different from what it seems.

Is it perhaps due to Annen's past experiences? If she says "You rushed before," maybe an issue from that marriage is still affecting her. But this is your life; you can't act based on her fears. It would be clearer if you talked openly 😅

It felt a bit strange that my mother keeps repeating the phrase "you rushed into it" so often. Is she implying that the "rush" is related to the consequences of the marriage or is it just a general prejudice? Have you seen her take a direct stance against your brother's fiancée, or does she always speak in such indirect ways? I don't think it can be resolved without clarification.

Your mother's emphasis on "early" or "hasty" seems a bit like a veiled objection. The reference to a past event likely indicates she experienced some disappointment during that time. However, it's not right for her to shape someone else's future based on those fears. To understand better, you might try directly asking, "What exactly is bothering you?" Sometimes, when people don't express something clearly, everything becomes more complicated.

So they got married, but what happened, did they divorce? We actually don't even know that. And what about the situation with the fiancé's family? Maybe the mother is hesitant about that. Everyone dives headfirst into engagement, but the harmony between both sides is important.

If Anne is beating around the bush this much, she either doesn't like the fiancé or there's some issue in the family that she can't openly talk about. Also, could there be a financial concern hidden under all this talk of "hurry"? It's been said that "even if two people work, it's tough"; perhaps the mother is focused on making ends meet, and all the other comments are just excuses.

Anne may believe that "acting early" can lead to negative outcomes, possibly due to her own experiences. Is she perhaps amplifying her own life or the examples around her in her mind? So, the issue might not just be about her fiancé or family, but could also be a general survival strategy. Have you ever tried talking to her about her past experiences?

Anne may be behaving this way not only based on her own past but perhaps also on her observations regarding your sibling. Someone who finds the engagement rushed generally thinks that the partner is "not known well enough." How well do you know your fiancé's character, for example? She might be questioning the individual rather than the family.

Maybe the issue isn't related to time, but rather that your mother had different expectations that weren't met. For example, not being included in the engagement process or not having her opinion considered could have hurt her. That's just how moms are; sometimes they sulk quietly but don't say it directly. Have you ever thought if there was a break in the relationship there?

Okay, but they're always talking about your mother's past or general fears. What does your brother say about this? I mean, the process of getting to know the fiancée, whether it's rushed, the reasoning behind this marriage decision... While your brother stays so quiet, is the discussion turning into your mother's comfort? Is the person who needs to make the decision clear? We've never questioned that.

I don't think it's healthy to stay silent and let the discussion revolve around your mother. The person who will make the engagement decision is your sibling; what do they think, how do they feel, are they clear in this process? If they are seriously considering and questioning your mother's discomfort, then maybe they really need to reevaluate some things. If it's just a case of withdrawing because "my mom doesn't want this," then that already suggests that this decision hasn't been made firmly enough. Have you had a serious conversation with your sibling?

How well do you really know your fiancé? Let's say mom was mistaken in the past, what if you're the one who's wrong? It's always "mom doesn't trust", but do you trust? How did you get that assurance, was it something that happened, or just a feeling of them being a "good person"?

You mentioned that your mother doesn't want it, but what about the fiancé's side? How do they see this process? Have they expressed any concerns regarding speed or compatibility? Is there tension between the two families, or is it all based on your mother's comments? The way the parties view each other is important here.

But does your fiancé's side feel anything about your mother's disapproval? I mean, can't your mother's attitude, hints, or behaviors reflect on them? If there's going to be a coldness in the future, it's important not to leave such a complication from the beginning; it affects that relationship.

Whether or not your fiancée feels this aside, was there a direct confrontation with your mother? I mean, was it asked directly, "Why don’t you want this, what’s the problem?" Maybe we’re making assumptions here, but what your mother said is a much clearer and simpler issue; she may not be thinking that deeply about it.

Anne usually doesn't say something she doesn't want with an excuse; if she's stuck somewhere, you should look closely at that. Did she see or hear something on the fiancée's side, or does she remember something? Or is the issue entirely about her sister's decision-making style or a concern related to her, is that clear? Sometimes the answer to the question "why don't you want to" tells another story. Did you really hear it?

But if there’s a clear reason your mother doesn’t want this, then pretending to cancel the engagement would be inappropriate. I mean, okay, she doesn’t want it, but independent of that issue, is there a problem in your sister's relationship or not? It would be good to be sure about that. Because we shouldn’t overlook something just to convince our mother.

Your mother doesn't want it, that's fine, but at what point does this unwillingness turn into a "direct refusal to let someone decide"? I mean, how much does it affect things? Is your brother really thinking for himself, or is he just waiting for your mother's decision? No one should have that much control in someone else's relationship.

We need to clarify whether he just doesn't want it because of "his" reasons or if there's a concrete reason behind it. But here's the thing, let's say the engagement happens, will your mother continue to dig in her heels like this throughout the marriage process? If there's constant tension, how will that relationship work? Is your sibling already setting a boundary regarding this situation?

It's one thing that your mother doesn't approve, but is your fiancé's family directly involved in this matter? In other words, do their opinions or expectations affect this process? Can your sibling maintain a balance between the two sides here, or is your mother's disapproval automatically considered a veto? If the marriage path is influenced by so many external factors, how will it be in the future?

If your mother doesn't want it, it will be hard to recover from the cooling off that may start on the fiancé's side. But the real issue is this: how much is your brother defending his own opinion when making this decision? If there is an energy that will push the fiancé into doubt just because your mother doesn't want it, this should have been resolved at the engagement stage. Now, how they will patch this up during the marriage process is where the trouble lies.

If they aren’t going to cancel the engagement just because the mother doesn’t want to, have they thought about how they’ll maintain their relationship with her? I mean, will she not approve but later provide support, or will there always be some tension? Because this unresolved dynamic before the engagement will escalate the tension considerably after getting married.

There must be a reason why the mother doesn't want the fiancé, but what does your sibling think? Does he trust this relationship less just because his mother disapproves, or is he confident in his own choices? If the mother's influence is that strong, we need to look at how much your sibling is truly living his own life.

He doesn't want it, but does it just end with him not wanting it? That's the main concern. For instance, if during processes like wedding planning and setting up a home, he continually imposes his opinions and increases the tension, if your brother can't control this dynamic while being engaged, it will become even more challenging once they are married. It's important to see this and ask how prepared he is.

How is your brother's fiancé acting during this process? Is she withdrawing because your mother doesn't want it, or is she owning the relationship and saying, "we can handle this"? Because it would be difficult to take a serious step with someone who only changes direction based on external pressure.

Has your brother's fiancé made any effort to take a step towards your mother or try to communicate? In other words, it's important to consider not just how your brother approaches the situation, but also how the fiancé does. Otherwise, it's unclear if this couple was willing to completely cut ties with the family from the start 😳

Is Anne not wanting something the only reason, or is she trying to grab everyone's attention by directly expressing some things? For instance, has she thrown any comments regarding her fiancé, or made any criticisms that touch the family? Because not wanting something is one thing, but openly confronting is another. How is the fiancé's side reacting to this, has anyone seen or heard anything?

Setting aside the mother's disapproval, how does your brother's fiancée's family interpret this situation? In other words, how resilient are they to the negative energy that might come from the outside? If there is such unrest between the two families, even the wedding table can turn into a battlefield. It's hard to build a strong relationship without resolving that first.

I passed by the engaged couple, does the mother have a clear and definite boundary regarding this relationship? For example, is she saying something like "it will never happen because of them," or is it just a general discomfort? If there is uncertainty, everyone will clash with each other; if there is a boundary, we can focus on that and look for a solution.

She doesn’t want it, but is this unwillingness only related to her fiancé, or is it a general sensitivity of "things were done without consulting me"? Sometimes the issue lies not with the person but with the process. Maybe she can’t stand her own exclusion rather than the fiancé's.

So is your mother taking any steps to break off the engagement? I mean, is it just a matter of not wanting to, or is she actually doing something to prevent it? Or does she just say "I don't want to" but stays back in the shadows? We need to clarify that because if she has taken action, things can go in a different direction.

Do you think this situation is being discussed between the engaged couple? I mean, aside from external pressures, can they come together and plan about this process? Or is one leaving the burden to the other with something like, "you can handle it"? That's important.

So, is your mother keeping this situation of not wanting it just on her side, or has she conveyed it to your fiancé's family or a wider circle as well? Because such an attitude from family elders can create a lasting coldness between both families over time, and the issue can extend beyond the wedding. Has there been any dialogue between the two families about this?

Is the mother's disapproval only directed at the fiancé, or is there also some distance with his family? Sometimes, the other party's stance, habits, or even an old saying can create a chill within the family. Or was there some kind of faux pas that the mother could take personally from the fiancé's side?

If the mother has a specific issue regarding the fiancé, did the engaged couple try to discuss and resolve it? Or is everyone secretly building up tension in a corner? Because without direct conversation, such matters tend to escalate more.

It’s still unclear why Annen is so fixated on this relationship. Is there some kind of friction, word, or action with your fiancé's family from the past? Or does the guy have a reason of his own? Not wanting to be in this situation is abstract; it won’t be resolved without connecting it to something concrete.

Is the mother's disapproval only directed at the fiancé and his family, or is there also some dissatisfaction towards her own daughter? Sometimes they think, "my daughter can do better," but they don’t express it openly. Here, it might be more important how the mother views her daughter and what her expectations are, rather than just the fiancé's pros and cons. Has she ever said anything about that?

So did your mother express clearly and directly why she didn't want this relationship? Or does she just oppose it and leave the reasons ambiguous? Because there's a big difference between her reasons that seem like excuses and the actual details that would genuinely justify her position.

Could the sister want to confront this situation herself? I mean, she might be leaving the burden to her indirectly, like "I'll say it, she can think about it," instead of intervening directly. Because sometimes the gap between not wanting to and taking a concrete action is left intentionally.

So, does your fiancée not want her family or is it about the others? Sometimes families react more to what "they would say" than to "who you are marrying." Is the issue based on the mother's pride or social pressure? Has that angle even been considered? 🫢

What if the reason your mother doesn’t want it is not because of your fiancé or his family, but rather potential changes in your life after the wedding? Moving away from home, seeing each other less, shifting family dynamics, and so on. Sometimes, what we call "not wanting" is actually a fear of "losing"; has this ever been discussed? 😅

Has there ever been an occasion where your fianc\u00e9's family met your mother face to face? If there was any kind of mutual tension, disrespect, or discomfort in person, it could be that your mother is actually raising that issue. Or does she just prefer to observe from a distance? It makes a big difference.

If someone doesn't want their fiancé, they have probably shared this with at least one or two people in their life. Maybe a neighbor, a relative, or perhaps their sibling. Why not check those places? Sometimes they reveal things they don't share with us, and we can gather clues from there.

So when your mother doesn't want the engagement, does the steering wheel always turn to your fiancé, or is there a complete opposition to the idea of marriage? Because sometimes the issue may not be the groom or his family, but rather the daughter not wanting to marry 'at that moment.' So is it a timing issue, is she waiting for something, has this ever been mentioned?

Is there a clear answer to whether the issue is with the future son-in-law specifically, or with her brother's choices in general? Because sometimes for mothers, it's not just about "that person," but rather struggling to accept the idea that their daughters will build a life based on their own preferences. So could it be that while using the fiancé as an excuse, they might actually be experiencing a fear of losing control? Is there this kind of underlying tension between them?

So do you think your mother realizes that your fiancé or his family doesn’t want her? Because sometimes, even if such discomfort isn’t explicitly stated, the other party can sense it, and that creates tension on its own. So has the situation already jumped there, has it reflected in any way?

If the mother’s reason for not wanting this is something specific related to her fiancé or family, such as an event, attitude, or characteristic, isn’t it strange that she doesn’t say it outright? Typically, a mother doesn’t beat around the bush about such things; she either finds a flaw in the groom or picks on something about the family. But if there isn’t a clear "this is why" line, perhaps she has some discomfort that she can't even fully convince herself about. Have you ever cornered her and asked directly, without beating around the bush, "Why don’t you want this?"

If the reason for the mother's refusal is not clear, could she perhaps be acting with a perspective of "I am a mother, I feel it" in her own way? In other words, sometimes a mother intuitively bases her discomfort on something and struggles to express it. Has she ever been asked openly, "Is there something you feel?" When a person can't articulate their feelings, they can come across as stubborn.

If the mother's reason for disapproval is not concrete, but there is still a coldness towards the fiancé, do you or your sibling act the same way around your mother as you do around your fiancé? In other words, could your mother think that this relationship has somehow changed the dynamic between them? Some mothers may take offense to this but cannot express it clearly.

Think about your mother's attitude towards your fiancé by comparing it to your sibling’s. For example, had she reacted similarly to someone else your sibling had previously been friends with or regarding their decisions? If the same cycle keeps repeating, perhaps her issue is more with the situation than with the person. But if this is the first time she has opposed so clearly, then there is evidently something specific about the fiancé. Does your sibling notice any change in the tone when your mother talks about the fiancé? In other words, could your mother be someone who expresses feelings through gestures rather than excuses?

Your sister doesn't want the other fiancé, but how much can she stand firm in this relationship while going against your mother's wishes? Because sometimes a mother can react not directly to the fiancé, but to her daughter's approach in the relationship. So is your sister determined about this, or is there a hesitation in the background that your mother has noticed?

She's saying she doesn't want it, but on the other hand, is she doing things to question her decisions by talking one-on-one with your brother? I mean, instead of openly saying "don't do it," is she subtly planting doubts in her mind? Sometimes these kinds of covert interventions can be the most effective, have you noticed that? 🙄

One should also consider whether they are not fixated on the fiancé but rather on the idea of being engaged. In other words, could they be viewing the situation from the perspective of "someone is entering my life, and my position is changing"? In this case, the issue may be more about the arrangement than the person.

So, is your mother saying anything about this situation to others, like close relatives or neighbors? Have you heard anything from them? Because sometimes they might express things outside that they don't say within the family; the real reason might leak out from there.

If your mother can't clearly express the reason for her disapproval, she might be struggling with something internally. But let me ask this: is your mother keeping a distance from your fiancé's family, or is she completely cut off from them? Because sometimes, a small gesture from family can grow in her mind; but since she can't clarify it for herself, it doesn't show in her behavior towards you.

Does she see herself as an authority who can influence her brother's decision, or is she just expressing her opinion? Because sometimes in such situations, even if it seems like "I'm just saying it," they are actually exerting pressure. How does the brother perceive the mother's attitude now, does he feel like she is interfering in his decisions or does he take it just as an idea?

You said you don't want the other fiancé, but how does your fiancé deal with your mother's attitude? I mean, the attitudes from that side are also important; perhaps the reason for not wanting is that they've noticed your mother's feelings and have put some distance between themselves and her. Both sides might be feeding their own coldness.

You say your mother doesn't want the other fiancé, but is this decision really made by her, or is there some influence from your father or another family elder? Because sometimes the "word" coming from outside seems to be coming from the mother, but in reality, there might be another authority behind the scenes. Haven't you asked openly, for example?

Is she open to communicating with her ex-fiancé then? Or has she just burned all her bridges by directly saying "I don’t want to"? Sometimes the issue is insisting on "not knowing" the fiancé, but this part seems completely unaddressed.

It's difficult to find a solution without clarifying why the mother objects, but I'm curious: could she have heard any gossip or rumors about the fiancé? Sometimes, such things aren't stated outright but are reflected in behavior. Is there anyone in your mother's circle who talks about the fiancé or his family?

Is the ex-fiancée making the decision herself or is she saying indirect things to her brother like, "look, this won't work out, you'll have problems later"? Because sometimes, instead of an open opposition, such indirect methods are preferred, and the one receiving the message takes a step back. How much is the brother feeling this pressure? I suggest you have a conversation with him.

Why doesn't mother want the other fiancé, but if you say there is no serious problem in your brother's relationship, could there be something that mother brings from her own life experiences? In other words, she might think that your brother will also experience a difficulty similar to one she faced in her own marriage or one she has seen. It's important to understand whether she approaches these situations directly on a personal level.

It's not so much that the mother doesn't want the fiancé, but rather how she expresses this situation that matters, in my opinion. Is her reaction purely emotional or does she provide a tangible reason? If everything is always left ambiguous, it seems to me as if the issue isn't really the fiancé. Is this engagement triggering the mother's general need for control? Focus on that a bit.

Your mother doesn't want your fiancé, but the real issue is whether she has taken this to the point of damaging her relationship with your brother. She can be against it and express her opinion, but if she's putting pressure on your brother by saying something like "it's me or your fiancé," it can lead to a very different situation. How comfortably can your brother act in this process? Is he bearing the emotional burden of your mother and is it affecting his decisions?

Could it be that the bride's family has also expressed a concern, keeping the fiancé’s family in mind? I mean, sometimes the issue isn't the groom himself, but his surroundings. If there’s no harmony in the family structures, they might be worried about that. Have you ever discussed this part?

Also, take a look at how the mother evaluates her fiancé's brother. I mean, saying "I don't want this child" is one thing, having a thought like "this man doesn't treat my brother well" is another. Does your mother see the issue as just the fiancé, or does she have a prediction about what kind of person her brother will be in this relationship? Something could come from there.

Is she against it this much because she doesn't want to, or could she be influenced by the pressure of what others would say? Sometimes the main reason is not the person's own opinion, but rather their attempt to act according to someone else's perspective. I think you should have a conversation and clarify this part.

Has there been any incident where the mother completely rejected the fiancé, like witnessing a bad behavior? Or is it all based on feelings? Because if the fiancé had a concrete mistake, have they clearly communicated this to her brother? We need to understand if there is a breaking point rather than just an "internal reluctance."

Annie may be focused on her own reasons, but how much did she listen to her brother's thoughts during this process? I mean, saying that she doesn't want the fiancé is one thing, but taking responsibility for how her brother feels is another. We need to clearly see whether her brother wants this marriage, regardless of what anyone else says.

I think your mother might not be able to strike a balance between you and your brother's fiancée. She might believe that your brother should be on her side, and that's why she views the fiancée as a "rival." This could also be somewhat rooted in the mother-daughter relationship; have you ever talked about this? Does your mother think she will withdraw from your brother's life?

If your mother doesn't want the engagement, is she trying to prolong the process with some other excuse, or does she want to cut the knot openly? Some mothers faint, saying, "let's wait a bit, let's think it over," and cool things down. What kind of pressure does your sibling feel about this—let's get a little more insight into the situation.

Is the mother's issue with the fiancé or with the engagement itself? Sometimes there is an obsession with stability simply because they don’t want anything to change in their children's lives; she won't want whoever the fiancé is. Check if she is generally resistant to the idea of "getting married" before the fiancé.

Why doesn’t she want her other fiancé? Is she being too straightforward, or is she beating around the bush? If she’s saying vague things like "It doesn’t suit me," I suggest you press a bit and ask for clarification. Otherwise, things will remain unclear, and nobody will fully understand what is being objected to.

Who is getting the information about the ex-fiancé from? Is it something they saw themselves, or did someone carry something? They might have been influenced by biased sources; sometimes gossip can end a whole relationship. Is it clear, or is it just hearsay? Question it 🫠

So how does your mother act when she sees or is with her fiancé? Is there a different tension in face-to-face communication, or does she develop a coldness from a distance? Because if she's rejecting him for a reason arising from the face-to-face dynamic, you might try to understand this from her behavior as well.

If the mother has such a clear disapproval of the fiancé, is this just a personal issue or is it a larger problem related to the family dynamics? For example, is there a power struggle between the mother and daughter? Could the fiancé just be an excuse, with the real issue being the mother's own authority being undermined?

Everyone might have clashed with him just because your mother doesn't want him, but have you ever stopped to directly ask her why she rejected this man so outright? I mean, you should say openly, "Look, we're living in the same house, we know each other, this can't go on like this. Now, feel free to say whatever it is," and you might uncover an unexpected detail.

She doesn't want the other fiancé, but does she speak with the same clarity to other family members, like your dad or your sisters? Or could this have completely turned into a "who's stronger" issue between mother and daughter? Because sometimes, people act like they agree with others while a different game is played behind the scenes.

Have you ever tested the mother's objections to the fiancé with any concrete data? For example, if she says "he doesn't have a good character," what is she basing that on? If she claims "his financial situation is inadequate," how does she come by that information? Sometimes, parents defend a bias as if it's substantial evidence, even if they're not fully aware of it, but when called to speak concretely, they falter. Clarifying this part is important. Because if it's an empty bias, it can be broken down with scrutiny; but if it's a genuine concern, it might pose a risk for your sibling.

Could the reason why the mother is so fixated on the fiancé be related to her own past fears? I mean, maybe there is an experience, a trauma that you don't know about. Try to see if she's using the fiancé as an excuse to actually express her own anxieties.

I would ask directly. If they turn the topic to you instead of giving an answer, there seems to be a trick there.

Your mother doesn't want the other fiancé, okay, but how is your sister approaching this? I mean, does she take her mother's concerns seriously, or is there a complete refusal to even see that? Because if both sides are being stubborn, then who the fiancé is might already be overshadowed.

Have you observed how your mother behaves towards your fiancé's family? Perhaps the issue could be more related to the family dynamics in the background rather than your fiancé himself. Sometimes people hesitate to say this directly, but it can be evident from their actions.

Could there be an invisible issue of social compatibility if the other fiancée doesn't want it this much? For example, are they indirectly concerned about things like cultural differences, education level, or lifestyle? Mothers sometimes don't express these things openly, but you can feel it in their behavior.

How does your fiancé's family approach your mom? Perhaps your fiancé's parents have acted in a way that doesn't meet your mom's expectations, which is why they've taken such a strict stance. You know how sometimes a little comment or attitude can completely change the perspective on the whole picture? It might be worth looking into that.

If a mother doesn't want the fiancé but only says it verbally, there might be a tactical side to it. In other words, could it be a strategy where you put in a bit more effort, making the fiancé's side prove themselves more? Some mothers give their "yes" through negotiation; even if she says a clear "no," there might be a boundary that can be stretched. For example, does she leave any room for negotiation?

I think you need to clarify your sister's fiancé's relationship with her. Your mom doesn't want it, but is he by her side, or is he just skimming over the situation? Put your sister at the center of the situation and try to understand her perspective, because in the end, she is the one who will be most affected.

So is your mother acting harshly towards the fiancé's side because she doesn't want him? Or is she acting normally on the outside but constantly saying things to you behind the scenes? Because sometimes part of the situation is visible on the surface, but the real issues are happening underneath. Maybe you could look for some clues like that?

One should consider not only why the mother did not want the fiancé but also how the sister communicated with her mother about it. In other words, is the sister discussing what their mother thinks, or has she put up a wall? Because in situations like this, if both sides act in a closed-off manner, the issue escalates. Take a look at whether there is a solid dialogue in place.

So, could your mother be reflecting her own life in this regard? For instance, is she approaching this so harshly because of a disappointment or a wrong decision she experienced in her marriage in the past? Sometimes a person carries their own fears onto their children without even realizing it.

Maybe your mother is resisting this much simply because she is not involved in the selection process. If your brother and fiancé showed an attitude that disregards your mother's opinion, the issue might have turned a bit into a matter of pride. How much did you involve your mother in this, was she consulted from the beginning?

Has your fiancé ever tried to talk to your mother one-on-one? You know, like a clear, empathetic conversation? If there's a bit of coldness between them, maybe the real issue is a lack of communication 🤦‍♀️

Your mother doesn't want the other fiancé, but could it be that your fiancé's family doesn't want your mother? Or could it be that your mother is being distant because she feels their indifference? These things can sometimes become really complicated due to the silent coldness from both sides.