Yesterday, I learned that my friend has been secretly meeting with his ex. I just don't understand how much my friend needs this, but I don't think it should be happening. I don't want his relationship to get hurt any further; how do you think I should approach this? My feelings are mixed too, what should I do?
that's so silly 🙄
a similar incident happened to me. they had normalized meeting with his ex-girlfriend, and their friendship had come out negatively.
So where did you learn this? I mean, did you see it firsthand or is it just hearsay?
@yazipsildim I learned from a mutual friend yesterday, but it wasn't a situation that my friend rejected.
@aklimkaldi then why are you getting so involved? Aren't they an adult? They can handle the consequences themselves.
but such freedom isn't really freedom. if someone does this secretly in their relationship, it's not freedom; there's a lack of honesty here.
to be honest, the main issue is relationship dynamics. In therapy, it's generally said that 'a breach of trust creates long-term issues for both partners.' There should be sincere conversations about honesty.
I think you should bring up the topic and ask him directly so that everyone can resolve it without getting hurt. Find out why he's meeting, what his intentions are, and then decide.
Staying "friends" with an ex often stems from one person's unfinished business. Can you be sure of the intentions here? If there’s honesty, it’s still weird, but if there are lies, then the trouble is significant 😬
Is assuming that "staying friends with the ex means unfinished business" certain? Perhaps there really isn't such a bond left, but regular meetings are undermining trust. Your friend should clarify their own relationship first; you can watch the developments.
Isn't it a bit naïve to leave the discussions to the possibility of having "no connection with the past"? Why would a person completely erase such a historical bond on both sides? In my opinion, there surely is some emotional residue in this matter.
Okay, there might be unfinished business, but we can't always say there's emotional baggage. People can redefine a relationship in different contexts over time; it doesn't necessarily have to involve a romantic or hidden agenda. However, the real issue, in my opinion, starts when one party doesn't clearly communicate this situation to their partner. If there's secrecy, then the honesty of the intention becomes questionable.
We don't discuss how things will explode when the partner learns about regular meetings with the ex. The moment this situation comes to light, it creates significant distrust, regardless of the context. So isn't the "crisis management after the meeting" part just as important as the "intention"?
Even if the intention is "friendship," is it possible to completely control the evocation of memories from the past? People don’t erase their memories at the push of a button; even a conversation can ignite the spark of past feelings. The real question is whether one is ready to deal with this possibility.
The reason for secrecy may not only be emotional residue but also a desire to avoid conflict. Could it be that they are trying to manage the relationship on a different level without saying anything for fear of upsetting their partner? However, this is a choice that casts a shadow over honesty, and it seems the issue gets stuck here.
No one has asked this: What do you think his regular meetings with his ex contributes to his life? In other words, we need to figure out what he gets out of maintaining this connection; why is he insisting on it? Is it just a habit, or is there really something lacking that is being fulfilled here?
I got caught up in the matter of "habit" or "lack of completion." If he thinks this conversation adds something to him but keeps it a secret from his partner, it seems more like a selfish escape. It's a situation that burdens both sides in the relationship. It seems to me like you haven't confronted him about this; did you ask him clearly?
