It seems that my mother-in-law doesn't like my relationship with my wife. She constantly criticizes me in social settings and always praises other girls to my wife. Honestly, this situation really affects me, and I'm afraid it will create problems in my marriage. My wife doesn't notice this, but I don't know what to do.
Has your partner ever tried to pull you into a flashback of their own past by sharing a special moment and saying, "they used to do it this way," or "it used to be like this"? In other words, do they compare your relationship directly, constantly using their own experiences as a reference point? This could be an attempt to frame the connection between you and your partner within their own perspective.
Have you ever had your partner act like a child beside you, giving exaggerated attention? For example, saying something like, "Honey, has this gained weight again? You must have fed her a lot," in a way that puts both you and her in a weird position. Sometimes, this can serve as a method to assert their authority while somewhat ignoring your presence.
Have you ever found your partner making fun of your profession, interests, or personal preferences right next to you, belittling you under the guise of a little joke? Such things may generally seem light-hearted, but they could actually be trying to draw you into a weak point in your partner's eyes. Pay attention to the tone of their comments; they may be sending a subtle message.
Have you ever made a plan with your partner, and somehow they tried to include themselves with reasons like, "Let me join too, I don’t want to be left out"? Sometimes, such actions might not be about creating distance but could be an effort to involve themselves in the relationship as a third party. However, if you silently accept this every time, the boundaries may become almost indistinct.
Have they ever pretended it’s not something personal, when it’s actually completely directed at you? For example, saying "These new moms, they’re so relaxed; things were different in our time." When you don’t respond directly to such comments, they often keep pushing even further.
Have you ever had your partner directly say something like, "You've become a pushover, you just do whatever I say"? Because sometimes these direct remarks aren’t really about you, but rather about your partner's inability to deal with the fact that they are stepping outside of their "rules." However, they might be sending a message to you by making you the target.
Has anyone ever said something like "We've never seen it this way, this is how we host guests" related to your way of hosting guests? This generally aims to establish authority over your surroundings rather than criticizing you, making it seem as if you're the "deficiency" of your family. They wrap it up and brush it off, but the real target is you.
Has she ever done something regarding children? For example, saying something like, "I don’t think you should treat a child this way; we didn’t raise you like this," creating a feeling that you’re doing something wrong as a parent. If she takes a stance that questions your parenting skills by involving the children, it’s much more hurtful because that’s the most sensitive spot for a mother.
Have you ever been subtly compared to others in front of people? For example, "Our Ayşe is quite skilled too; your hand is talented, but not like hers, of course." Such remarks might be attempts to align your partner against old references rather than you. Is she measuring your partner’s reaction out of the corner of her eye? Check on that.
Have you ever called your spouse's phone and when you answered, they avoided engaging with you by saying, "Where's our son, tell him to call me back"? This could be a way for them to keep you in the background while still wanting to act as if their only connection is with their son. This could also be a method of maintaining some distance.
Has there ever been a time when someone implied something negative about you to others instead of saying it directly to your face? For example, in front of family members, comments like "Well, they'll learn over time" or "Not everyone is going to be like us." If they're not addressing you directly but still talking behind your back, they might be aiming to leave you vulnerable.
Has your partner ever said things to you that sound like complaints, such as "I need to talk to you in detail about this, let's not take that/let's not mention that"? In other words, does it create a feeling as if they are more comfortable in a world where you are not present? This might be attempting to create a divide.
Has anyone ever done something that put you in a difficult position without blaming you? For example, opening a story out of the blue when you have guests, like "We had something like that happen that day, didn’t we, son?" This kind of thing pulls your partner suddenly onto their side, making you feel excluded. It's done to make you feel alone, but not directly—it's subtle.
Has anyone ever tried to give you something physical or material and then used it as leverage? For example, saying, "I bought you that necklace, but we value things here." By doing this, they might be putting you in a position of obligation and pushing your boundaries.
Has your spouse ever directly shown closeness to you while keeping you at a "reasonable" distance? For instance, during a visit, touching your partner frequently or saying, "You know best, son, your opinion matters," creating a situation where you feel like a third party. This could be a conscious way of drawing boundaries. Let's see how your spouse reacts to this.
Does anyone ever talk and leave you out of something in particular, then act like "Oh, you didn't know"? For example, a family plan, a past story, or a decision-making process. Sometimes, even if it's unintentional, it can create a sense of not belonging.
Have you ever felt like your spouse was pretending to praise you, only to later bring up a flaw as if they wanted to underline it? For example, saying "Buse also sets a beautiful table, but I think she's a bit unsure about the dessert part, right, son?" Critiques that start with praise are actually made to draw your attention to what they really signify.
Have you ever had someone ignore you while doing something just to show themselves closer to someone else? For example, saying to a relative, "You are very right, we used to do it like this back then," even attributing a situation they were in with you to someone else. This could completely be a tactic to leave you out and focus on the person they are trying to connect with.
It might seem like a small detail, but that's where the issue has already started. I couldn't feel at ease without clarifying that.
But could your spouse be unconsciously making room for them in some way? I mean, does it ever occur to you that they might be doing something that puts you in the background in the relationship, like easing your mother-in-law's discomfort? This sometimes isn't deliberate, but it allows the other party to maneuver more freely.
Has anyone ever used someone else to drop hints instead of telling you directly? For example, saying, "Some brides can be very understanding, thank God ours are not like that." Because this kind of indirect messages comes from the inability to speak openly face-to-face, but their impact is significant.
Has anything ever made you seem overly distant or overly close in front of others? For example, by saying, "They never come by us," as if you don't exist, or on the contrary, "They share everything with me, bless them," attributing an extra bond. This could be an attempt to define the relationship from the outside.
Have you ever asked your spouse this question? "How do you feel when your mother does this?" Because sometimes, whatever your mother-in-law does seems normal to your spouse, and they might not even notice the details you see. From this perspective, it’s difficult to comment without understanding their perception.
Have you ever had something compared to your own family? For example, home arrangement, food style, habits... Like "Back in our day, it was like this, now they do it like that". Sometimes the criticism touches a point that targets not you but where you come from.
Has he ever offered to help your wife by saying something like, "Where is our boy struggling? I can lend a hand"? Because this feels to me like not just a way to make you feel inadequate, but rather a method to directly passive you. It could be an attempt to sideline you and strengthen his own bond.
Have you ever been considered too "modern" or too "conservative" on a topic, leading someone to make such a remark? For example, "We didn't talk about such things in our day, but you all are so relaxed about it now," or "Brides were more thoughtful in our time." Because sometimes they might be trying to create distance through expectation mismatches.
Has there ever been a special "joke" made at your expense that they tried to normalize in the environment? For example, saying things like "Hülya doesn’t really like to cook" or "Our bride has become quite forgetful since the little one came along." People usually present this as an innocent joke, but it's a method of spreading ideas.
Have you ever had your mother-in-law make a belittling comment about you in front of your spouse, while your spouse stayed silent? Because sometimes the real issue isn't with the mother-in-law, but with your partner's reflex to "not react." This can encourage the other party more.
Have you ever had someone act without directly asking for your opinion, instead bringing in other people's comments? For example, suggesting a solution by saying, "The neighbors do it differently, theirs seems more practical," while ignoring you. If they are avoiding direct communication and choosing such indirect approaches, perhaps they don't take you seriously or aren't making an effort to understand you.
Have you ever tried to describe an old memory and frame you within it? Like saying, "Our boy was like this when he was a child, now remind him of this." It feels as if they are trying to create a narrative that fits only their own past, independent of you. It seems a bit like imposing, "Be a character in my story."
Has anyone ever put you in a position to accuse you of changing their "son"? For instance, if they stopped doing something they used to do, implying that it happened because "you came along." Usually, they'll link the change as if it’s a negative thing equating it to you. The real issue might be that they feel like they've lost control.
Has anyone ever made an implication about your mother? Something like, "Of course, that's how her mother raised her," which might seem like they're talking about you but are actually targeting your family. Usually, the underlying message of such statements is more toxic.
Has there ever been a time when instead of directly engaging with you, they tried to leave you alone at a common point? For example, in a family decision, saying "I won't get involved, my son knows" and then subtly influencing their spouse to overturn that decision. Sometimes things work through pressure that isn't overt, but indirect.
Have you ever felt like your spouse was praising you in front of others while actually implying your shortcomings? For example, "Our bride is very good, but she's a bit impatient" or "She doesn't really like housework, but thank goodness she's very devoted to my son". These types of sentences may seem like innocent compliments from the outside, but often they carry a shadow of criticism.
Have you ever been intervened with a "good intention" mask? For example, someone meddling in your home and criticizing your order by saying, "I'm saying this to help you." Generally, such approaches are not sincere; they are an attempt to expand their control.
Has anyone ever criticized you "for your own good"? For example, saying "Don’t exhaust yourself at this age, take care of your health" while belittling your decisions. These are controlling attitudes that may seem thoughtful from the outside.
Have you ever had a moment when, while sharing something nice with your partner, someone unexpectedly said something like, "Look, my boy, how beautifully you've arranged your wife"? They belittle you, take a jab at you through your partner, and also flatter your spouse. It's a triple whammy.
Has it ever seemed like he made it look like protecting you from his family was some sort of "taking sides" issue? For example, he might frame the effort to set boundaries with subtle phrases like "We were family, and we fell apart when you came," which could present that boundary-setting effort as betrayal. This actually comes from his desire to see you both on a common front.
Have you ever noticed that while he/she emphasizes his/her own boundaries, he/she ignores yours? For instance, during a decision-making moment, when he/she says something like "I'm not getting involved, it's up to you," he/she is constantly present, trying to neutralize you. It doesn't seem like there's a direct intervention, but he/she always keeps his/her boundaries above yours.
Have they ever tried to overshadow you by idealizing their past experiences? For example, phrases like "I never did that when I got married" or "Things weren't like this in our time" that make you feel inadequate or "lacking". This is subtly a form of comparison pressure.
Have you ever noticed that he exaggerates your reactions to him with excessive sensitivity and conveys it to your spouse or others as "I can never please him"? He may be putting himself in the victim position while trying to portray you as a harsh or insensitive person. This passive-aggressive narrative can be dangerous.
Have you ever had your partner or children impose their own wishes on you, saying it's the "family's general decision" or "we're happier this way," effectively leaving you out? For example, a plan is being made, but you're not the one being informed; instead, you end up being the one who faces the consequences. This can also be a subtle form of exclusion.
Have you ever had your partner complain to you with sentences like, "Why don't you take a little of your heart as well? They confide in me, but they don't talk to you"? It may seem like they want to understand you, but in the background, they could be putting you in an unfair position against your partner. This is also a different form of manipulation.
Has your partner ever derailed the conversation by giving an irrelevant example to downplay your achievements in front of them? For instance, when you're sharing something related to your work, they might say, "But our daughter is also involved with the household, she is very organized," putting someone unrelated to you in the spotlight. It feels like they want to take you out of the center of the praise.
Has anyone ever said something that made you belittle a special moment or achievement of yours in front of others? For example, they may have downplayed your efforts with sentences like, "Well, that's just part of every mother's job." This is actually another way of making you feel invisible.
Has anyone ever tried to make you feel guilty by constantly playing the "you misunderstood" card? For example, you clearly express a discomfort, but they respond with, "I never meant anything like that, why do you misunderstand everything?" trying to portray you as overly sensitive or paranoid. This is also a form of manipulation.
Have there been moments when you tried to maintain your distance from him, only to turn the situation around with complaints like "he's being cold to me, he's not approaching me"? This could make you appear as someone who is "not conforming to traditions" or a "cold bride." In other words, you set a distance naturally, but others might reflect it as your shortcoming. This also adds a separate burden on a person.
Have you ever experienced someone trying to send a message not directly to you, but through others? For example, in front of the kids or your partner, saying something like, "still, those things around the house were more suitable for us," but that comment is actually meant for you. They don't say it directly, but it feels like they are hinting at it. This is another form of passive-aggressiveness.
Has there ever been a time when he indirectly criticized you by saying slightly pointed things to your spouse about other issues? For example, when he says, "Our boy seems to visit less often, I guess he must be really busy with work," he is subtly implying something about you and the household dynamics. These kinds of things can be very insidious.
Have you ever directly told him something about an issue, for example, when you honestly expressed something that was bothering you, and he tried to place you in a position of blame or sadness, saying something like "I said it for his own good, why is he angry with me?"? Because with this method, he can both make you seem unjust in a situation where you are actually right and also gather sympathy for himself.
Has there ever been a situation where someone tried to put you under pressure from the outside by telling others about an issue between you? For instance, through other relatives or neighbors, creating a twisted story like, "They said this to me, but look at how they behave towards you." It’s as if they want to isolate you.
Have you ever experienced your spouse trying to make you feel directly responsible for an issue with their family? For example, when they say something like, "How many times did we tell them, but of course the decision is theirs," completely putting you in the line of fire. This is another manipulative tactic.
Has anyone ever directly mocked your tastes or character but pretended it was a "joke"? Like a sentence along the lines of "He's so modern, we can’t keep up with him," criticizing you while trying to downplay it. Usually, things said while laughing are more serious.
Have you ever had someone do something that would embarrass you in front of others, as if you were in a funny situation? But not directly, rather hiding behind something like "the fun bride of our home." I mean, mocking your sensitivities or mistakes, but not openly. I think this is something that quietly wears a person down.
Have they ever compared how they used to handle household chores or children by telling a story instead of directly criticizing you? For example, saying something like, "In our time, children were raised this way" or "I used to work too, but I never neglected the house." Even if they don't say it outright, the implication is still there.
Has your partner ever poked at you little by little, testing your patience, and then when you react, tried to depict you as an exaggerated and restless person by saying, "Come on, you're getting all worked up"? It's a guaranteed way to put you in a wrong position in both your partner's eyes and public perception.
Have you ever encountered someone who accuses you of something and then acts like they’re retracting that accusation by saying, "Well, I don't know if you took it that way"? It’s like they’re apologizing, but it's actually built on making you seem overly sensitive. This kind of tactic can also be used quite often.
Have you ever noticed that your spouse acts very mild-mannered in front of others, but behaves completely differently when you're alone? I mean, it’s like there’s one portrait visible to the outside and another that you experience. Sometimes this double standard can be quite misleading for those around you.
Have you ever had someone try to send you a message indirectly through a gift they gave you? For example, giving you a style of clothing you don't want, or an item you absolutely dislike, saying "I got this just for you," or confronting you with a choice that is completely opposite to what you think. These kinds of actions may seem small, but sometimes they can carry other intentions.
Have you ever been positioned as a mediator to explain something to your spouse's family or to keep them happy? For example, when they say "You explain it better" and actually shift a responsibility that they should be handling onto you. Sometimes, such situations can unintentionally leave you caught between both sides.
Has anyone ever said something in front of your kids that undermines your authority? Like "Let them eat, it's not a big deal, your mom is overreacting"? In the eyes of the children, downplaying your words becomes a kind of cornering tactic.
Has anyone ever put you in a difficult position regarding your spouse's friends or social circle? For instance, saying something like, "Our bride is very shy; she doesn't really like to socialize" in front of them, placing you in the wrong light and leaving you defenseless there. Some people find indirect targeting to be more effective.
Have you ever had someone make a decision about something without asking you at all, and then imposed it on you as if it were normal? Like making a plan and saying, "We thought this way," to sideline you. Not directly, but in a way that belittles your role.
Have you ever had someone pretend to ask for your opinion on something, only for it to turn out that they had already made their decision? I mean, while they seem to involve you in the process, it's actually just a formality to consult you, and then they cut to the chase with, "It was going to be that way anyway." This can sometimes make a person feel invisible.
Have you ever been criticized for stopping your kids from doing something while secretly bending that rule in the background to look good in their eyes? Like when you say, "no sweets," but then secretly give them chocolate and say, "Don't let mom see." Things like that totally undermine authority, and it’s hard to fix later.
Has he ever accused you of something you didn’t do, forcing you to explain it in front of others? Like, "Our bride never checks on us," while you’re trying to talk, they silently continue to make you look guilty. That passive attitude can sometimes be the easiest.
Has your partner ever said something like "I told them, but they didn't want to" in front of you, making you seem like the one responsible for bad choices? Sometimes simple situations are articulated as "we," but they are particularly separated, and then the other person asks you why that is.
Have you ever had someone start off by saying, "I leave it up to you, do it however you want," and then after you made a decision, they turned to the family and said, "I didn't want that, but that's what they said"? It's a common trick to pretend to grant you freedom, only to later declare you responsible for everything.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you immediately tried to soften the atmosphere by saying something like, "You misunderstood, I didn’t mean it that way"? It might not be to come out on top, but to avoid being made to look guilty in a subtle way. That’s why sometimes a seemingly calm demeanor can end up causing more harm.
Has he ever sent you a message indirectly without saying anything directly to you? For example, saying something to a spouse, child, or neighbor like "Some people do this, but I don't see the need". It doesn't target you directly but wants you to take it personally.
Have they ever pretended to praise you while actually making a comparison that puts others above you? Like, "You're really good, but our so-and-so does it this way." It feels like they appreciate you, but somehow leaves you with a sense of inadequacy.
Have you ever had someone take an idea you shared and claim it as their own, saying something like, "Look, what a great idea!"? It can make you feel like you're in the background while someone else takes the applause. And if you bring it up, there's a high chance they'll brush you off with, "It's not the same thing."
Has anyone ever openly criticized a suggestion, idea, or something you did, and then tried to do it the way you suggested? For example, do they ever go back to a method they previously said "won't work" and then embrace it as if they discovered it themselves? You end up feeling like your value is being dismissed, and they seem to exit the situation as if they had no mistakes at all.
Have you ever said, "I don’t get involved in things like this, it’s not my business," and then later questioned every detail thoroughly? Like someone who initially stands aside but doesn’t let go of control. If they really don’t care, why do they know everything?
Have you ever had someone promise something on your behalf and then stepped back? Like saying "They'll take care of it" and putting you in a situation you weren't aware of. They leave the burden on you and no one gets angry with them.
Have you ever been overlooked by others in a physical setting? Not in an obvious way, but for example, being ignored in conversations or having someone pretend not to hear a question you asked. It can be passive on the surface, but it's frustrating inside.
Has anyone ever put you in a position where you had to comment on something regarding someone else in a way that might get you into trouble? For example, something like "So-and-so is doing this, is that right?" Depending on your comment, they might try to portray you as taking sides or twist what you said to steer the conversation in their desired direction.
Have you ever had someone say something bad about others and then include you by saying, "But you’re not like that, of course"? I mean, while pretending to praise you, they are actually positioning you through comparison with others. It makes you feel both flattered and cold at the same time.
Has there ever been a time when someone clearly wronged you in front of them and they remained indifferent? Or did they seem to defend you but left you feeling even more confused by the situation? It can be difficult to understand where you stand sometimes.
Have you ever noticed someone who seems to support your idea and then starts to praise a similar thing that comes from somewhere else even more? I mean, when you say "meh," does it become "wow, amazing" when someone else says it? It really makes you think.
Have you ever had someone thank you in a way that made you unsure if they were actually grateful or just belittling you? Like saying, "Thanks for your effort, but it was something that needed to be done anyway." It conveys both gratitude and a hint of mockery.
Have you ever had someone act like they were helping you with something, and then suddenly say, "I already thought of it this way from the start, but now we’ve tried it together"? As if they were trying to make it seem like it was their idea all along, just to overshadow you. That subtle way of taking ownership and stepping back.
Has anyone ever said something like, "If I were you, I would do it this way," and made you feel inadequate? It feels like they're both interfering and sending the message, "You couldn't do it." That subtlety can be really frustrating.
Have you ever felt like when someone praises you, they're actually implying something about others? Like saying, "Usually, there are a lot of problems in these matters, but look, you haven't done badly." It's such a sentence that it both praises you and, implicitly, makes a comparison suggesting that "normally, this job is done better."
Have you ever noticed someone questioning your preference as a way to validate their own? For example, they might say, "You've done it this way, but I would never do that because of this, this, and this." It might feel like they're undermining your choice by presenting their own as superior. This creates a passive sense of competition.
Have you ever had someone say to you, "You're so different, I treat you separately," and then later make references as if you're part of the same group? At first, it feels like they’re excluding you, then they put you in the same category... When both happen at the same time, it gets confusing.
Have you ever found that while praising you in any matter, someone also brings in the success of another person? For instance, saying "This happened thanks to you, but of course, we shouldn't forget how successful Ahmet was in this regard back then." It’s like lifting you up while overshadowing you with someone else. Do such sentences throw you off balance?
Have you ever had someone criticize your opinion or choice in front of others and then when you're alone they say something like, "Actually, you're right, but I had to say that in front of everyone"? It's like they're throwing you under the bus just to look good. So frustrating.
Have you ever had someone explicitly say "You're right about that" and then follow it up with "But people don't think like that," thus indirectly invalidating your point? It's as if you're reasoning logically, but the world doesn't understand like you do, so your opinion seems to be worthless. There's always an attempt to steer the conversation from a superior position.
Have you ever had someone let you do something and then declared you a failure from the start by saying, "I actually knew it would turn out like this"? It's like you're putting in all the effort, but they're making you lose from the beginning. This attitude is more insidious.
Have you ever felt that even if your efforts or hard work are not belittled, there’s an attitude that normalizes it as if "this is just how it should be"? So it feels less like praise and more like an expectation. It creates a sense of never being appreciated.
Have you ever had someone start a conversation with "Of course, you know, but..." without asking for your direct opinion on a particular issue, while indirectly imposing their own view? It feels like they're giving you space, but in reality, they are manipulating you. That "but" really ruins everything.
Has there ever been a time when someone claimed authority over you by saying, "But that's not how it is, it's actually like this" about something they know nothing about? As if they have the best information on every topic, and your opinion is simply lacking. When they do this, you end up feeling like you have to defend yourself extra — did you notice that?
Have you ever experienced someone who seemed to support you in something, only to later say to others, "I actually told them to do this, but they didn't listen"? It's like smiling at your face and scheming behind your back. It’s even more exhausting.
Have there been times in your conversations when someone has sent you a message indirectly instead of criticizing you directly? For example, saying "Filiz would never do that, she’s such a thoughtful girl" to imply their expectations of you in a roundabout way. Sometimes, these kinds of passive-aggressive remarks can be more irritating than direct criticism.
Have you ever had someone defend others by saying, "But you must have misunderstood, he didn't actually say that" when you said something? You know, dismissing how you feel and making you seem paranoid instead. It drives me extra crazy.
Have you ever had someone while you were telling a story say something like, "But it would be better if you didn’t say it that way"? It feels like they’re trying to suppress you and interfere with how you express yourself, as if you're not able to articulate things properly. In that moment, I really feel turned off.
Have you ever had someone imply something like "Sometimes people have no idea how to do this" to others in the room without directly saying it to your face, even though they thought you did something wrong? I find it more annoying when people try to make indirect jabs out of fear of saying it directly.
Have you ever had someone act friendly in front of you, but when you're not around, they praise you with a little "But..." in between, actually making what seems like a compliment sound like a criticism? That subtlety can really be irritating, did you notice?
Have you ever received a small gift with the words "I really like this, I thought you might like it too" only to feel like they were actually belittling your taste? Like it was as if you didn't have your own style and theirs was somehow superior. I think this is the most passive form of manipulation.
