I had only mentioned a few things to my mom for the wedding preparations. Things like bracelets and necklaces. Yesterday, I found out that my mom gave a detailed list of gold items to my fiancé’s family. I hadn’t even seen the list; my mom put it together on her own. Now, my fiancé’s family thinks it’s excessive, and my fiancé is upset with me. I had no idea, but it feels like it’s my fault. What would you do in a situation like this?
I swear this is a very wrong move, but this is how mothers can be sometimes. In the past, the gold list was usually made by the elders, and this has turned out a bit like that. But you need to explain this to your fiancé’s family, like “We weren’t aware of it either; this is just my mother’s way of doing things.” If you don’t keep communication open, it will get worse. In our culture, in such situations, we definitely sit down and talk it over.
So I want to ask this: why did your mom do something like that? I mean, isn’t it a bit strange for her to give a list like that to people she has known for years? Has she done any impulsive things like this before, for example? 
@gercekci_mehveş Actually, this isn’t the first time. She had previously handled something regarding my outfit at the engagement on her own as well. But back then, I didn’t make a big deal of it. I think I noticed it now since it’s a more sensitive topic.
Let’s be clear on this part: knowing that your mother has acted like this before, why were you so relaxed? I mean, putting together a list like this seems to lay the groundwork for her actions. I’m sorry, but you should take a look at yourself too. Sometimes you have to be strict from the beginning, otherwise, such resentments become inevitable.
As a marriage counselor, I can say that families’ interventions like this generally create tension between couples, regardless of their intentions. Make it clear that you need to make decisions about your future yourselves. However, rather than blaming your mother, you should have a more boundary-setting conversation with her. It’s also important to calmly explain this situation to your fiancé. The conflict should not escalate.
I can really feel how tight your chest must have felt when you learned that your mother did something like this. The moment it combines with your fiancé’s reaction, it can feel like you can’t breathe. I think the best thing to do is to talk openly with your fiancé and express yourself, as well as sit down with your mother again to clarify boundaries. If you don’t resolve this, it seems like more issues will pile up.
@evlilik_terapisti You’ve spoken beautifully, but Turkish traditions are involved. In many places, this kind of matter concerning gold typically occurs between families. I don’t think a fiancé can fully explain this to their family purely logically. After all, there is something called societal pressure.
If you had just said “don’t do something like this again,” that would have been enough. The main issue right now is calming your fiancé down anyway.