My girlfriend is always messaging her ex, and it’s really eating away at me. I haven’t met him, but it feels concerning how she behaves towards me. My friend says, “don’t lose trust,” but I still feel uncomfortable. How do you think I should approach this?
I experienced a similar situation. We used to fight because he was constantly messaging his ex-girlfriend, but later I found out they were actually discussing work. However, I ended the relationship due to my insecurity. So be clear about who is messaging whom.
So, what do you mean by constantly? Is it every day? For example, what do they talk about, what does he say?
@soncaykaldi they don’t message every day, but they usually communicate frequently; it generally revolves around old memories or talks about old friend groups. To be honest, this bothers me more.
Old memories? Then that’s quite a problem. I think it’s pointless to tell you not to lose trust; you should really question this situation. It’s not normal to talk about memories with an ex.
no way. old memories? well, they might as well have a coffee to ease the longing.
it’s a bit of a boundaries issue. You can stay friends with exes, but constantly bringing up the past affects the relationship. Directly express your discomfort and set boundaries. If they don’t understand, you might need to reevaluate the relationship.
@benbisorayim I can’t defend this. Friendship with an ex is already a problem from the start. If everyone understood their boundaries, no one would be jealous.
well, this issue is a definite red line for me.
@kirmizikazak you’re right, but not everyone can look at it so strictly; some people just can’t let go of the past.
why would someone who doesn’t cut ties with their past enter a new relationship? if they’re still living in the past, then they should just stay there. right now, it’s more important to ask them than you.
So it seems those old memories are worth sharing with someone else, not with you. Why are these details even open for a “friendship”? Clearly explain the part that bothers you and ask how those messages have affected your relationship; let’s see if a logical explanation comes out.
Old memories and all that are fine, but do these just come up out of the blue, or is someone starting them? For example, could his ex-girlfriend be messaging him constantly? Have you questioned him about that?
Maybe it has gone beyond the romantic aspect and turned into an ordinary habit in his eyes. But here’s the thing: even with friends, there’s a limit to constantly revisiting old stories. Why is this “old” still so “current”? Think about it, who wants to keep opening and reading an old book?
Maybe going back is a power move for him? Like, “I’m with someone else but you’re still here” vibe. Is he trying to assert dominance in the relationship with indirect messages? Just saying, take a look.
Putting aside making the past a topic of discussion, here’s the thing: how does your partner talk to their ex? Is it sincere, casual, or distant? Because sometimes it’s not about the content of the messages, but the tone. Take a look, is it a normal conversation, or are there implications lurking in between?
Instead of focusing on the content of the messages, pay attention to whether your partner understands your discomfort. If they say, “This doesn’t bother me” and you are upset, there is a discord there. Question: if they are unwilling to cut off this communication, how do they see your role in the relationship dynamic?
You accepted talking to the old as a habit, let’s say it’s not sincere. Well, why is your discomfort any less important than a “habit”? One should reconsider their priorities a bit. If you’re going to be constantly excused, where do we draw the line?
But for example, there is something like this: when someone continues to communicate with you despite knowing about your discomfort while messaging with the past, are they truly doing this communication just for “friendship”? Or could they be testing your boundaries and measuring your reactions? It feels a bit strange, doesn’t it?
The issue is this: they are living a relationship with you but are still continuing to share “a story” with someone else. Is this tarnishing the special space between you, or are you overthinking it? You can ask: “While we have our story, why do you keep connecting so much with someone from the past?” Do you think they’ll give a clear answer? I’m curious.