My closest friend is very self-sacrificing in their own way, but sometimes they throw it in my face. They say things like, ‘I did this for you, I did that only for you.’ It makes me feel indebted. Is this normal? Or are they expecting something in return from me? How do you think I should respond?
I think this is somewhat about power dynamics. I mean, reminding you of the things they’ve done, wanting you to feel indebted to them in some way. People do good deeds, but they don’t constantly put them in front of you; this is clearly a matter of boundaries. If they want to show you their sacrifices, they should leave it to your decision.
In such relationships, the “expectation of reciprocity” sometimes happens unconsciously. But this is not pleasant in healthy communication. So if they keep track of your kindness like a calculation, you need to remind them that the bond between you is not based on a logic of benefit. In psychology literature, this is referred to as the “ledger mentality.”
But don’t you have any mistakes, for example? Did you support your friend while doing those good deeds, or did you really appreciate their worth? Maybe you think you’re expressing your feelings clearly, but you might not be showing it. That might be why they’re bringing it up.
Let me update you: Actually, it has done a lot for me until now, I can’t deny that. But lately, I’ve felt like it’s bringing up a ‘debt’ from everything. I wanted to say it, but I kept quiet because I thought it would break something. The process kind of grew for this reason.
So, have any of you talked about this openly? I mean, did you tell them about this feeling of being in debt? Maybe they are not even aware of why they’re acting this way.
It kind of feels like he was expecting some kind of “return” while doing those good deeds, and now that he’s not receiving it, he’s acting out. Especially his saying “I did it just for you” is interesting. Do you think this is just friendship, or is there more to it than self-interest?