I don't know what's on my roommate's computer

If you're so disturbed, why not ask?

my old roommate was similar for a while. then I learned he was gambling online, hiding it. so it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it definitely makes you think 🤦‍♀️

Wait a minute, how did you figure this out? Is it hiding from you to not make you notice, or has it become overly protective about that?

@yazipsildim yeah, generally it shuts down when it sees me. Also, it's got a password on the computer now, it didn't have one before. When I type, it feels like it's going to look meaningless, but it makes me feel like I'm pulling off some secret business or something.

@aklimkaldi and why are you so fixated on this? Isn't it his computer? I think it's better to just talk directly instead of getting paranoid.

Boundaries are important here. Roommate relationships touch on personal privacy a lot, but everyone should have their own private space as well. If it’s something related to your rights (for example, rent, etc.), then have a serious conversation. If not, it can be addressed calmly when things get a bit tense.

I think you're overreacting.

I think the password issue has become quite clear. If it was previously without a password and now there has been a change that you are particularly aware of, it might also seem like a move directed at you. But there is also the possibility that it could be an attempt to protect something private. Has there been such tension between you before?

At some point, you can’t solve it without asking, but you shouldn’t overreact either. If the password was just set and it always closes the screen when you pass by, it’s either because they don’t trust you or they’re really hiding something from you. Both are separate problems—in roommate relationships, such tension can grow even if it’s not about you. It’s important to clarify what to keep private and what to share mutually.

It may be a simple thing, but if they're behaving so conspicuously, they might have caused you to make it an issue without realizing it. If you continue to stay silent now, this matter will dry up like laundry, stretch out, and then the clip will break, leaving you in the open. I think you should ask directly, something like, "I noticed you; are you hiding something, or is it just a new habit?" to clarify it without leaving it to chance.

I think the password is fine, it could be possible, but the thing about turning off the screen is strange. Do you have any general idea about what he/she is doing on the computer? Is he/she usually working, playing games, or watching a series? Because if he/she is playing games, maybe he/she is chatting with someone else, which is causing the panic. You have to be suspicious according to the situation.

Maybe they are measuring your reaction. You know how sometimes people deliberately act suspiciously to pique curiosity? Especially if there’s tension or excessive intimacy between you, this kind of testing can occur. I would recommend observing without pushing it.

If you don't have anything to do on the computer, why are you so worried about it constantly shutting off the screen? Maybe the guy just doesn't want to get angry when you notice. The real question is, why are you so keen on poking around?

I think we shouldn't hesitate to push a bit further. The fact that they're closing the screen might mean they're hiding something, but we'll never know what's going on if we don't communicate. It could just be a temporary habit. Still, try to ask in some way and clarify the situation.

You're a housemate, not a girlfriend. It's not your place to monitor every move they make. They've set a password, locked the screen — either it's something private, so what does it have to do with you, or as you said, they don't trust you, in which case you should sit down and talk about why. But constantly snooping like this will only irritate everyone.

If you're thinking this thoroughly and developing scenarios, there's probably already some tension between you, and this incident just became an excuse. Otherwise, nobody gets so worked up about what their roommate is doing with their computer. Figure out what the real issue is first.

You've said "No one cares too much about what their roommate is doing on their computer," but that really varies from person to person. Feeling secure while sharing a home with someone is important. Maybe this situation triggers overall discomfort, and the issue escalates. Is it that they disregard your belongings and boundaries directly? I think that's what you should be asking.

I understand the computer part, but are there any other similar behaviors at home? For example, does he also constantly put his phone upside down, or does he quickly tidy up when entering his room? Or did it only start with this action? Because someone who hides something usually behaves similarly in every area, but if it’s specific to just this, then maybe there’s really something triggered in you.

If you think there’s something secret on your roommate's computer, it’s best to just ask them directly. An open conversation clears up uncertainties.

Now let me put it this way, shutting off the computer screen is not really a normal thing. Especially if you live in the same house, one would expect a more relaxed relationship. But this much curiosity will tire you out; is it the computer that's the issue, or the guy's general behavior? Take a look at that first.

Maybe there’s something on your computer about you, and it's afraid of coming to light. For example, that could be why it always shuts off the screen. Had you two ever talked about a situation like this before? 😅

Maybe the issue is just a habit. It's silly to act like everyone who closes their screen is up to something secret. Could it be that they feel disturbed or fear getting distracted while you're doing something next to them? Have you ever thought about it from that perspective?

Is there a similar sense of ownership with shared items used at home? For example, do they separate kitchen items saying "this is mine," or do they vaguely occupy space while doing something in the living room? The computer issue might just be a symptom; I think it's worth looking at it from a broader perspective.

Hiding the computer is one thing, but here's the real question: why is it bothering you so much? I mean, it seems like there's something going on, but on the other hand, you're way too focused. Has someone tried to look at your computer before, or is that why you're on edge? Sometimes, a person can turn their own suspicion into paranoia.

Perhaps timing is important here. When and under what circumstances does the computer turn off? I mean, is it when you're talking, when you turn your back, or does it happen suddenly when you enter the room? Is the movement a reflex, or is it something conscious? Figure that out.

Think about it this way, maybe it has a mechanism; for example, when you come, it has developed a habit of turning off reflexively, because it doesn't leave it on without checking if someone is there first. This could completely be related to its comfort. But the important thing is whether it does the same with others too. If it's only with you, then there might be another issue.

Perhaps he has a security obsession so that the programs he uses and the work he does are not seen by others. For instance, he might have developed such a habit at work too. Or maybe he has special accounts open on his computer, like email, and he hides them out of caution. Have you thought about these possibilities?

Whatever happens on the computer, making it a reflex to turn off the screen seems like a strange defense mechanism. I mean, people protect their privacy, but such a constant action might hide another habit or discomfort behind it. For instance, have you questioned whether such a noticeable action is an effort to create distance between you and others?

Without diving into such detailed analyses, consider this as well: Maybe this person is just not used to sharing an apartment with anyone at all. They might be trying to create their own space even in shared areas. So the issue isn't about the computer; it's about your roommate dynamic. Do you know if they've had such a sharing experience before?

Instead of just focusing on turning off the computer screen, I think you should focus on their overall attitudes towards sharing. For example, how do they handle cleaning shared spaces—are they disciplined about it? If there's always an attitude of "don't mess with me" when it comes to sharing, it might be more about their habit of living alone rather than concerns about security. This could provide you with a clearer clue about how well they can adapt to being a roommate.

Maybe there’s a dynamic that you haven't noticed? For instance, do you ever glance at your computer without asking for permission? While no one speaks up about it, some people experience the tension of this inwardly. They may have felt a boundary violation that you are unaware of; the reflex could have come from there.

Or is it not just a habit, but something related to people you might know on that computer? For example, a common environment, a friend group, etc. Could what they're hiding from them be directly connected to you? Have you ever thought about that?

You'll catch it right then and there while looking at the screen, wondering what's going on, or you'll keep thinking you're Sherlock while trying to decipher their behavior. If they're hiding as if they're afraid of someone, they're either mixing something up about you or they're in another chaos. But if there are this many secrets, maybe you're the secret they have? Think about it.

Someone who has made it a habit to close the screen usually hides other things as well; for example, do they place their phone face down, or do they act strangely when you enter their room? Because such shyness usually doesn't stay confined to just one area, are their other actions also at a level of excluding you? If you're only focused on their computer, maybe you're thinking too broadly.

But what if this excessive caution is actually a sign of paranoia? I mean, it's not just about sharing habits or something related to you, but rather a general state of distrust. Maybe they aren't hiding anything, but they live with the feeling that someone is always watching or interfering? Have you noticed how these kinds of things manifest in other behaviors?

Maybe there's not just a panic about "not being caught by the roommate" inside that computer, but a broader issue? For example, is there a document or agreement that requires privacy due to work? Perhaps there's an NDA, or maybe this behavior has become a habit in their field. Do they ever talk about their job?

So, have you ever directly asked, "Why are you shutting off the screen?" I mean, in a casual moment, just like that. I'm curious about their reaction because sometimes when such things are asked directly, the person realizes that it sounds silly. Or if they seem more tense, it becomes clear that there's another issue at play.

What I really wonder is, what made you become so obsessed with your computer? Is it about the screen turning off, or is it that feeling of unease you have that something is being hidden? Perhaps the answer to this lies within you.

Now think about this: why does not having control over someone else's belongings bother you so much? Is there something he wouldn't do on his own computer? Do you see yourself as the owner just because it's happening in your home? Maybe it's just an overly normal reaction; there's no need to blow it out of proportion.

So, how much personal space do you allow yourself? Have you ever thought about it? Maybe your sense of boundaries is different from his. He might feel like he’s constantly being watched, which is why he reflexively closes the screen. What kind of environment are you living in? Are there any other issues in the shared space arrangement?

So much detail has been given, but the most fundamental thing has been overlooked: how much time the guy is spending on his own computer. Is he constantly in front of the screen, does he have another life, for example, how much does he communicate with you at home? Because this level of secrecy is either entirely introverted or an attempt to cover up a time he spends excessively. Which one, just look at him.

So, does this level of secrecy trigger something in you? For instance, if you are an open person and used to sharing, does this particularly make you uncomfortable? Or would you react the same way if everyone did the same? Because this could have to do with a bit of a mismatch in your personal boundaries.

I think it's more about why you're so bothered by what he does on the work computer, rather than what he is actually doing. I mean, did he cause you any harm, or did he directly obstruct something? Or is this just a scenario in your own head? Where did this doubt come from?

Have you ever thought about the possibility that this guy spends time on his own computer for reasons other than your suspicions? For example, there could be something related to you on that computer. Yes, it sounds silly, but what if he's specifically hiding something from you? Is this level of secrecy really personal, or is it just special to you?

Maybe the issue is entirely about trust? I mean, if someone is acting as if they are hiding something from you so openly, you can't help but wonder, "Could it be?" But it's still not clear: did you notice something, or are you just suspicious because of their behavior? Do you have any hints?

Can you attribute more meaning to the man's actions with these doubts of yours? Perhaps that reflex of turning off the screen is a habit from childhood or simply a defense of a personal comfort zone. If he were really hiding something about you, he would reveal it through more obvious means; after all, being overly cautious can lead to mistakes.

Maybe it's not that there's something on the computer bothering you, but rather that you're invading their personal space in general. So your curiosity might be a bit overwhelming. Have you tried asking them how they feel about this specifically? Because talking directly instead of adding extra meaning could bring clearer answers.

Does someone who pays so much attention to the privacy of their own computer show the same sensitivity in other areas? For example, in other parts of the house, in the use of shared items, etc.? Or is this state of privacy limited only to their digital world? Because this balance between openness and closedness often reflects in all areas.

I wonder if they would react if you changed the wifi password at home? It could be interesting to see what they do when their completely uncontrolled space is interfered with. Perhaps their attitude related to the computer is more about the fear of "not being able to set their own boundaries" rather than just "not letting others in."

If there is a fear of not being able to set their own boundaries, that would be a much more general problem. But the situation here is specific. There is a concealment reflex; if they are acting this clearly, it isn’t just about themselves, in my opinion. The way to test this is to understand their intent to share without raising suspicion. For example, ask for help on something related to computers and see how they react. Do they get overly stressed?

Can I ask something: is there the same level of privacy for personal belongings other than the computer, like with their phone or the things in their room? Or are they only fixated on the computer? Because if the issue is a specific device fear, then either there is something seriously sensitive inside, or this is another tool for them to exert control. It's clearly noticeable.

Is there a possibility like this: could they be using that device as a sort of "fortress" because they don't feel comfortable? In other words, while appearing closed off to the outside, they might be experiencing their world more comfortably in the digital environment. In such cases, there can often be a mindset of "I just want to have a space that's only mine."

Perhaps the issue is not what it is hiding, but why it feels the need to hide. Could its blatant actions indicate that it feels pressured or on edge? Is it uncomfortable for you, or is it not at ease with itself? I think this is where you should start questioning.

If the computer is so central and behaves like a "defensive line," the real question is: has anything happened on your side that pushed that boundary? In other words, if there was a time in the past when you looked at something of theirs without permission, playfully rummaged through it, or showed extra interest, this behavior could be a reaction to that. Once a person's boundaries have been violated, their reflexes become sharper.

An interesting detail: while showing such sensitivity, does the person keep the computer out in the open, meaning in an accessible place, or do they completely hide it? Because someone who really wants to conceal something wouldn't leave that device lying around. If it's visible, perhaps this is a "warning": don’t touch, don’t interfere but acknowledge its presence. This could also be a form of protection aimed at drawing attention.

The topic of computers can be a symbol that delineates the boundaries of personal space, but are you inside this symbol or outside of it? For example, if you're showing the same "that's enough from me" attitude when making a joint plan or making a decision related to the home, it's not about the device, but rather concerns your overall relationship dynamics. Take a moment to reflect on how you define this relationship.

I think the main issue could be this: when did this sensitivity start? Has it been like this since the beginning of your roommate relationship, or is it something that emerged over time? If it can be linked to a specific situation, it would be easier to understand the reason.

Maybe they're trying to say "care less about me" by being so conspicuously private? I mean, it's not about something special on the computer, it's really about testing your attitude. It seems like they're measuring your reaction to that right now.

Maybe the computer issue is just an excuse, and there’s actually a trust problem concerning you? Like, could they be avoiding something else by diverting the attention there? For instance, has any personal matter ever come up between you two, and how did they handle it? 😮‍💨

Sometimes, beneath all this secrecy, something completely ordinary can emerge. Perhaps it's not as deep a matter as you think; it might just be the comfort of "don't let anyone interfere." If it's out in the open but you don't touch it, maybe it has become a habit. If someone has interfered before, it has turned into a reflex. Have you ever directly asked, "Why are you so careful with your computer?"

Come on, don’t be such a Sherlock, it could be something simple. He might just be playing a game, have a weird hobby, or taking some silly photos just for himself. Just ask him directly. You say, "What are you hiding?" and it’s done. Let’s see what his answer is.

You talk so much about personal space, but how necessary is "personal space" with a roommate? I won't extend my head over their stuff or touch it, but if someone I live with is hiding so much from me, there wouldn't be any trust left. There's a lower limit to mystery with a roommate.

So, what would you do if you accidentally saw something private? For example, if a file was left open on the screen or if you caught a glimpse of an email while passing by, what would your reaction be? To me, the issue is how honestly/comfortably you approach this situation. In other words, is it entirely about their privacy, or is your curiosity growing?

Maybe the issue is what you're curious about. Why is it so interesting, for example, what’s going on with that computer? Is it a desire to figure out what’s happening in a black washing machine, or is it that you can't take your eyes off the constantly spinning machine? The two are different.

Maybe the issue isn't yours, but their curiosity. I mean, how would you react if they messed up a file on your computer? While you set your own boundaries so clearly, it's important to consider how much attention you're paying to theirs. This privacy can feel very one-sided.

If your housemate is making such a big deal about personal space, what is your communication like? In general, can you talk openly and clearly? Or is there always a kind of reticence? Perhaps the issue isn't just about the computer; it might be a general tendency to "not share." In this case, instead of just addressing that computer issue, it seems more sensible to address the atmosphere in your relationship.

Maybe the issue is what you want to understand. What will change if you learn what's inside the computer? It has its own secrets, I get that; but this level of protective reflex seems to create an unsettling thing. Have you considered suggesting to be more open? Like saying, "This situation makes me feel strange, and I'm curious about why."

Is there really a need to think so much? Did you go in and check, did you feel better? If you haven't looked, you're just going around in the same place, so either keep going or completely let go.

But what if there's really something there that you should see? I mean something unpleasant that directly concerns you or is related to you? Have you ever considered this possibility?

If it's this obvious and bothering you, just ask directly. Asking "What's so secret on your computer?" isn't the end of the world. Maybe there's not as much going on as you've built it up to be; the guy might have just developed a reflex because of something bad that happened to him in the past.

What will happen if that computer breaks down? If the world's most special secrets are there, there's no turning back from that. Does it back up? Or has it risked burning along with its secrets? Someone who is this cautious doesn't seem to have made a solid security plan.

Maybe the issue is not just the computer; it could be a general power dynamic. In other words, is it sending you a message through a closed computer? Is it creating a control space over you? Have you ever thought, "why am I allowing it to be so closed?"

This kind of secrecy shakes my trust. It's not about prying into what's there, but when someone is constantly hiding things, it creates a lot of doubts in the other person's mind. The question "What could they be hiding?" is triggered entirely by their behavior. This level of secrecy is not normal. If you can't openly discuss and resolve things in the relationship, bigger problems will arise in the future.

I have to say something: is the guy crazy or just a copycat? This absurd level of secrecy is either fantasy or paranoia. It’s not just about solving the computer; we actually need to figure out the guy 😬

I think it's less about what Adam is hiding and more about why this issue is affecting you so much. I mean, if your partner were the one doing this instead of a roommate, would you feel the same? Or would you not chase after the matter as much? It might also be testing the boundaries of your relationship.

Maybe this display of secrecy is meant to intrigue you? I mean, if you directly ask "why are you hiding so much," you would break the spell. Depending on their reaction, you can see their true intention more clearly.

Or could all this show of secrecy be completely fake? The guy might have nothing inside but wants to pretend as if he's giving it importance by doing so. It's a matter of an empty box... Have you ever thought about that? 🥲

I disagree with the empty box issue. Just the fact that the empty box is being kept means something after all. No one keeps something that is "empty" for no reason. Either they are embarrassed, or it is something too personal to share with you. It seems like they are more focused on not sharing. Could there be another way to say "I won’t share this with you" in this secrecy?

Maybe there's nothing special at all, but they might enjoy maintaining the image of "I'm a mysterious person"? Some people build a character around their secrecy, as if the meaning of their existence is tied to it. Do you get that vibe? 😂

Maybe the issue is whether you can tolerate not knowing that computer. I mean, your relationship with "not knowing" is as important as the other person's privacy. Sometimes people hide something just to gauge a reaction. Think about what would change if you didn’t have access to the computer.

Maybe for a while, don't mention it at all and see if they're still acting overly protective? I mean, are they being this careful because they're actually hiding something, or have they started to exaggerate because they sense your interest? Sometimes both sides unintentionally trigger each other.

Perhaps this level of privacy creates a sense of control for them in that one area? You know, they might feel out of control in other parts of their life, and this could have turned into the feeling of "at least let me make my computer completely my own space." You can't be sure, but maybe the issue is more related to psychological aspects than just the computer.

But if it's that secretive, could it have accidentally left an opening that aroused your suspicion? I mean, someone who wants to keep everything completely hidden shouldn't have made it that obvious. Do you think they anticipated that you would become curious while putting on a show of secrecy?

If there are such clear boundaries regarding the computer, does he also set limits on other things? For example, with food, entering his room, using his belongings, etc.? Is this just a situation specific to his computer, or is it a general distance? I think it's worth examining other behaviors as well to form an idea.

Perhaps the reason they set such a clear boundary is a previous experience they had with someone? It could be something like having their trust misused in the past. It may not have anything to do with you, but they might be living in the shadow of an old behavior.

The main issue may be less about the content of that computer and more about how this situation reflects the power balance between you. Has the constant state of "not being able to access it" pushed you into a passive position and become a means of establishing dominance? In other words, if "privacy" is not a defense but rather a type of control mechanism, it's worth questioning whether there is a tactic here to keep you in a certain position.

If you're thinking this much about it, I think you should take a look at yourself too. While you're curious about his computer, how much do you protect your own privacy? Perhaps your excessive focus on something he calls "my space" is creating a sense of deficiency in you. Could this issue be more about you than him?

Your roommate actually doesn't care that much about that computer, but what if they want you to be suspicious? Sometimes, something can be so obvious that it feels like the person hiding it is playing a subtle game, saying, "look, there's something here." Maybe they're trying to make you believe that whatever they're hiding isn't on the computer?

Have you thought about it, maybe there's nothing important on the computer but they're doing this trick to distract you. You know, it's the classic "Look, I'm saying apple, look at the pear" situation. Maybe you need to be more careful about something else, but they acted this way so you would focus on the computer?

You've focused so much on the computer, but does it react differently to your fleeting movements and gestures beside it? For instance, does it interrupt you when you pick up your phone or while you're talking? Perhaps the issue isn't just with the computer, but it's also trying to intervene in your areas of control; you might want to consider that.

Maybe the problem with the computer has more to do with itself than with you. In other words, a habit is just a rule that says, "this is mine." Everyone has a "castle wall," but the critical issue is why you're so hung up on this situation.

Everyone has gone into so much detail, but what has been overlooked is this: Perhaps there is just something embarrassingly personal on that computer. I mean, it might not be a huge secret or strategy, but rather a silly habit, an absurd obsession. The more you insist, the more tense it will become; maybe you just need to let it go.

So, did you have a plan like messing around with the computer, or was it completely his rigidity on this matter that triggered you? Because sometimes, even when we don't really want to achieve something, we blow it out of proportion in our minds just because it's "forbidden." Maybe putting so much meaning on it makes the issue unsolvable for you in itself.

But what if what catches your attention so much isn't the computer, but your roommate's general perspective on boundaries? I mean, what else are they keeping away from you by claiming it's "theirs" and not yours? Are boundaries necessary or optional? Think about it.

Why is it always the computer? Are you just as careful with other belongings? For example, do you have the same attitude towards your notebook, wardrobe, or phone, or is it just the computer that's the focus? If it's a general privacy habit, maybe it's not something that personally concerns you.

If you're so hung up on the content, think about this: why is there such a noticeable hiding reflex? I mean, wouldn't someone who normally hides attract less attention? Could this "overtness" be a way to test you somehow, like it's waiting for a move? If you had the chance, would you poke into it, or would you hold back? I think that's where the critical point of the issue lies.

But could it be a distraction reflex instead of a storage reflex? You know, when you keep your mind busy by wondering "what's over there," does it create a situation where you can move more freely from another place? Does it do something similar when your eye catches not just the computer, but another habit of yours?

No one has thought this deeply but asked: Could it be that there is a ritual or an order related to that computer, rather than something that must be hidden? In other words, perhaps they are the kind of people who feel "this is not my environment" as soon as someone else touches it. They might just want to maintain control, purely for their own comfort.

I think the issue isn't with the computer but with your constant analysis of the situation while trying to solve it. When people start to feel "judged" in some way, they go on the defensive. While your roommate is holding back, every time you push a little harder, they probably close up even more. If you downplay the situation, maybe they'll relax on their own.

Is there a reason they've been so locked up? Could it be that someone intruded too much into their private space in the past? I mean, such a strong privacy usually stems from a story of "mistrust" that's been experienced. Maybe the issue is not you, but rather a situation they encountered before. Have they ever given any hints about this?