My roommate comes home late every day, and it's really bothering me. I don't want to feel alone, but I need to talk to him about this situation. I'm uncertain about what I should do because sometimes he apologizes and explains why he's late, but it still keeps happening.
I had the same situation. My roommate was always coming home late due to work, and I told him openly. For a week, it got a bit better, then it was the same again... I swear, I ended up moving out.
But I mean, you say he's late every day, doesn't the guy live his own life? Do you want him to wait? I don't get it 🤷♀️
So what's the reason you're uncomfortable? Is it loneliness, or are the comings and goings at home causing issues? 🤭
@yazipsildim, frankly, it feels more like a problem of not being able to get the house in order rather than feeling lonely. Most of the time it makes noise when I get home, like lights and such.
@pazardandondum sorry, but your roommate has to establish some order. If they're turning on the lights and making noise at midnight, that’s pretty disturbing 😂
These kinds of issues are solved through direct conversation. Speak clearly about the noise, focusing on the noise and disorder that bothers you rather than the delivery times. Avoid diving too deeply into things like 'I don’t want to feel alone'; instead, describe the concrete problems.
If you don't think it's going to be resolved, consider finding a new roommate when the contract ends. Someone who comes home late won't easily change their habits. Or look for a solution so that they don't make noise.
Even while writing here, your problem isn't clear. Is it loneliness or noise? You say that you need to explain it to him, but I think you should explain it to yourself first.
Speak quickly. Don't let it drag on.
Is it a problem that the house is used like a hotel divided into rooms? Or do you have an expectation of "communal living" that is not being met at all? Because those are two different things; one can be resolved with organization, while the other is a mindset issue. Clarify that first 😅
From what I know, even if working at night becomes manageable, the situation of coming home at these hours will always cause you discomfort. If you are sensitive to late hours, it will really be hard for you to find common ground with someone who has these habits. This person doesn't seem like a good fit for the concept of "home routine" from the start. If the issue isn't the night work, then your rhythms are already mismatched. I think it's a mismatched choice from the beginning.
I don't understand why this "someone who comes at night doesn't change" talk is stated so definitively. When discomfort is discussed in detail, some people can really adapt. Not everyone is careless enough to cause problems just because they're night owls. Maybe they don't realize it's a big issue for them?
Having a night owl as a roommate can be changeable, but constantly needing to negotiate adaptations with someone you share a home with can be tiring after a while. Perhaps the issue isn't just with a single specific annoyance, but rather the incompatibility of your lifestyles. It might be necessary to question this broader compatibility more often than having frequent discussions.
So here's the thing: Is coming home late at night, even if it's quiet, a problem for you on its own? I mean, is there some sort of "secret rule" about needing to be home by a certain time? Because it seems like this situation bothers you more than the noise does. Clarify why you’re so hung up on this.
The topic of the "hidden rule" is interesting, but the important question is this: When sharing your home, is the issue with the person or the dynamic? In other words, do you see this specific roommate as a problem, or do you have a sensitivity that could arise with someone else as well? Because the two lead to completely different paths. Clarify, who is your issue with?
Could it be that the reason you’re making such a big deal about coming home at night is that you feel like you don’t have control? I mean, it seems like what tires you is not the "rhythm clash," but rather the fact that things are happening without following your rules. How much say do you think you should have regarding the entry and exit times at home?
For you, are the entry and exit times at home not a material issue like "common area usage" but rather a spiritual issue like "respect for the home's spirit"? In other words, does the problem not lie in noise or disorder, but does coming home late feel inherently like a "wrong" in itself? If so, I'm not sure if this feeling can be resolved with the roommate.
Could the issue of coming home late at night be an internal reaction to that hour being viewed as "dangerous" or "misconstrued by society"? Because sometimes an externally imposed norm can trigger one's own sense of discord. Is coming home late actually bothering you, or is it the gaze of those around you that is unsettling?
The issue of coming home late may not be directly related to the person but could be more about your emotional sensitivity. It's not just about arriving late; this situation might indicate something that causes you anxiety. Delving into the essence of the situation and clarifying your boundaries and feelings would likely be a healthier approach.
So, does coming home late tonight disrupt your daily routine directly? Does your morning sleep or work tempo get interrupted? Or is the real issue feeling that something is not being "shared"? Because if it shifts from being about "our routine" to being about "my space," then it needs to be discussed on a different level.
Perhaps the issue here is not about coming home at night, but rather how this behavior is perceived by you as a "lack of respect"? In other words, the feeling that a certain order is being disregarded. Maybe it’s not so much the practice of the matter, but rather the underlying meaning that bothers you.
I think the real question is this: Would you still feel the same unease if they came home late but bent the other shared rules to their liking? Or is this situation limited to late arrivals, just a particular discomfort? If the whole issue is only about the times, it seems like a somewhat overly specific reaction.
I've been wondering, just as you're fixated on the issue of coming home late, could it be that you don't fit into some other habit of theirs? Or maybe they're feeling uneasy about something else internally but not expressing it? Are you both finding balance while sharing this home, or are only your discomforts being discussed?
