It seems that my mother-in-law doesn’t like my relationship with my wife. She constantly criticizes me in social settings and always praises other girls to my wife. Honestly, this situation really affects me, and I’m afraid it will create problems in my marriage. My wife doesn’t notice this, but I don’t know what to do.
It’s impossible to please these women.
I’ve experienced something similar, I swear. My mother-in-law didn’t look at me until the wedding, but then she softened a bit when it came to the grandchild situation. Sometimes you just have to be patient.
Does your spouse know how you feel? I mean, have you ever told them?
@yazipsildim I asked, yes, she thinks that her own mother is “not like that.” She acts as if I am exaggerating.
@aklimkaldi then the main issue is with the edge. If he doesn’t realize it, he’s either blind or doesn’t want to see.
I think you should talk openly with your spouse. Instead of ignoring it, explain the bothersome sentences in detail so they can’t deny it.
It seems very deliberate for them to make their criticisms on social platforms. It’s fine to talk to your partner, but can you create a moment where you can set a boundary with your mother-in-law in a respectful way? Saying something like, “What you said makes me uncomfortable” might be effective. You can see their reaction and adjust your approach accordingly.
If they’re trying to push you around in a social setting, I would say pop a small one back at them in the same space. But quietly, like saying something along the lines of “That’s your opinion, but I’m happy this way” on a topic they criticize you about. Usually, when confronted directly, they tend to back off. Just wait and see their face.
Being married to someone who brushes things off by saying “You’re exaggerating” is really exhausting. Let’s skip the mother-in-law part; how will it be if you’re going to feel alone all the time about this? Have you ever tried talking about it?
Even if you tell her everything, it’s normal for her not to understand, because after all, she’s your mother; it’s not easy to be impartial. But since she thinks it’s “not like that,” try being completely silent for a while, neither explaining nor opposing. Let’s see if she notices with her own eyes. If there’s still no response, then she really doesn’t want to see.
I understand that he wants to protect his mother, but saying “you’re overreacting” is quite a defensive move. Did you give any concrete examples while explaining? Which sentence, in what setting, and how did it make you feel at that moment, etc. If it doesn’t clearly materialize in his mind, he might always say “my mom isn’t like that.”
Here’s an important detail: why is your mother-in-law criticizing you so much? Is there a reaction aimed at you, or is she trying to assert her authority? If you take a step back and focus on the reason for her behavior, your approach will become clearer.
Are the things your mother-in-law criticizes you for usually things she believes are “right” and expects from you, or are they completely unrelated issues? If she is targeting you on a very specific matter, there may be a “discrepancy” that stands out to her. Maybe your indifference about that topic feels like a challenge to her. Think about it, what is she so fixated on?
Even if she has a personal reaction, do you know where it comes from? For example, could she be jealous of the relationship between you and your spouse? Sometimes, criticisms that seem like excuses stem from something else at the root; have you ever noticed that?
I don’t think it’s necessary for the incident to revolve around “jealousy of his partner” or “trying to establish authority.” Maybe he doesn’t really love you; sometimes people can just be irritating for no reason. Have you ever considered this possibility? If that’s the case, putting in effort would be a waste of energy.
It’s easy to just say “He might not like you” but in such situations, the “why” part tends to be more apparent. People don’t just suddenly dislike someone for no reason. Perhaps an event, a comment, or something from the past that you didn’t notice has triggered it. Do you think you’ve ever asked your spouse about this perspective? Could it give a different context regarding their mother?
Let’s say you gave concrete examples to your spouse, did they still remain in the “you’re exaggerating” attitude? If so, maybe they are also in a passive situation towards their mother and can’t confront it. This issue will shake the relationship between you and your spouse as well; understand them but don’t stay silent.
Is your mother-in-law dominant towards your spouse as well? If she’s only like that towards you, then it could be entirely about you. But if she approaches everyone with similar attitudes, that indicates a general control habit. Have you tried talking to your spouse about this? Understanding her mother’s overall attitude from your spouse’s perspective could be helpful.
Does your mother-in-law criticize you in front of others, or is it in private? Is she distant or tense when talking to you face-to-face, or does she throw shade in a way that others can hear? Knowing her target audience is important because sometimes her real issue isn’t you but the “listener” at that moment.