My fiancée danced with her ex at a friend’s wedding. Honestly, I felt very jealous at that moment. I know she did it with good intentions, but something stirred inside me. Is it normal for these things to happen? I feel bad, what should I do?
What’s going on?
Something similar happened to me. I was engaged to someone who still greets their ex. Deep down, my insecurity is growing because of it.
So, was it his idea to dance with his ex-girlfriend, or did someone else insist?
@yazipsildim No, it wasn’t planned; it happened all of a sudden while everyone was dancing together at the wedding.
@aklimkaldi I’m sorry, but if I were in place of your fiancé, there would be no need for such actions while you’re there. It’s completely normal for you to feel jealous.
Some people may misinterpret their relational boundaries in social situations. If it has made you uncomfortable, talk about it openly. If this dance means nothing to them, hearing it could be good for you.
@hatconene can I tell you something? It’s normal to be jealous, yes, but this jealousy can wear a person out after a while. Besides, their ex isn’t on a deserted island, they can say hi and dance.
I think you should say it directly but calmly. Saying ‘I don’t want this or that’ clarifies things and makes it healthy for everyone.
Have you ever talked about the dynamic of the relationship with this ex? I mean, does your fiancé think it’s completely over with that person, or is he in the “no problem, I can dance” mode? Without knowing this, it’s hard to tell whether jealousy is justified or just a natural discomfort.
The question that needs to be asked here is this: is it the matter of your fiancée dancing with her ex, or is it the fact that she’s doing it next to you? The two are different; one is a lack of communication, the other might be complete insensitivity. Which one bothered you more?
What seems strange to me is the part where it says, “it happened all of a sudden while everyone was accompanying each other.” So, is this something that is out of the fiancé’s control? Or does he find it natural to dance with his ex? It’s hard to figure out without speaking clearly about the details.
What caught my attention was not the fact of dancing with an ex, but the excuse that it happened spontaneously. If it was something that developed suddenly, how your fiancée reacted is important. Did she immediately accept it and join in, or did she feel uncomfortable? Her attitude actually says everything.
So where is the necessity of dancing with an ex, even if it’s spontaneous? Some movements can feel excessive, especially when you’re engaged. Did you look into your fiancé’s face during that time? Were they enjoying it or feeling uncomfortable? Maybe they didn’t even care about the situation.
That’s all well and good, but if your fiancée has still established some kind of “normalization” zone with her ex, where’s the boundary for that? In matters like this, the “spontaneity” excuse can cover up other issues in the long run. Haven’t you clarified your discomfort about this yet?
What they call “spontaneous development” is generally a normalized state of something. In other words, that dance can be repeated not just once, but in other ways as well. If discomfort is not communicated, how will the current situation be controlled in the future? For example, will there be other things that are declared to be “normal”?
Even if it developed spontaneously, your fiancé should have immediately cut off that situation and withdrawn. There’s no “mechanical” explanation for dancing with an ex; the attitude that normalizes this in a context like engagement is problematic. Is this your fiancé’s general attitude?
I’ve moved past the dancing with the ex issue, but is it still this complicated because of the “spontaneous” excuse? I mean, if your fiancé is leaving such broad boundaries, does he also have a tendency to say “it just happened” in other situations? I think it’s time you talked about where your “acceptance boundaries” lie. The spontaneous excuse isn’t a boundary, after all.
So what did your fiancé say about this situation? For example, how did they defend themselves in the dance incident? Even if they weren’t uncomfortable, the way they explained this situation says a lot. Did they pin the defense on being “spontaneous,” or was there also an apology or remorse involved? The tone of communication is important here.
He said it developed spontaneously, but is there a timeframe? Did he get up to dance right away, or was he waiting for an invitation? What kind of beginning was it? Because that thing he calls “sudden” can sometimes be a quite intentional preparation process. We need to be a bit careful with the tone here.