My mother-in-law is messaging my girlfriend on WhatsApp

Do you know what your mom is talking about with your girlfriend? I mean, are they discussing things related to you in the messages or do they drift off to topics that don't concern you? Because without knowing the details, the discomfort might not go away.

So, is the language your mother uses with her boyfriend, apart from sincerity, a sign of superiority? For example, does she give directives, offer advice, or try to guide him in some way? Because this kind of tone could lead to an attempt at "control."

Have you ever looked into whether the correspondences are public or private? Is it done in a place like a group chat where everyone can see, or is it a one-on-one private communication? Because the private ones carry direct intent. The group can still remain "for show."

Is your partner talking to you about these messages, meaning are they sharing the content with you? If they're acting like a completely closed box, there’s a dynamic here where something is being left out on your end. Transparency is important; otherwise, tension grows.

How willing is your partner in these communications? I mean, is your mother the one writing, is your partner maintaining the communication, or has it somehow become a "forced" situation? I think it's important to understand the intentions here because not every daily interaction carries the same meaning.

And also consider whether your mother defends your partner against you. For example, when an issue arises between you two, does she side with him by saying "you're wrong here too," or does she try to maintain balance? This could be another aspect of the correspondence.

Consider whether the mother is building a bridge between you and your partner. In other words, does she have an indirect influence on your communication? If there’s a situation where she’s trying to manipulate things from behind the scenes, it can become an "instrument of manipulation" that exists independently of the innocence of the correspondence. This can lead to greater problems in the future than initially apparent.

Does the content your mother writes to your boyfriend carry any expectations about him, like "don't forget to do this, behave like that, pay attention to him"? Because messages like these can show that your mother still wants to maintain control. Have you ever thought that she might be trying to establish authority?

Have you ever questioned the frequency of these messages? Are we talking about one-time exchanges or is there a constant and regular communication? If it's constant, this may have morphed into something like a "habit" and can create a feeling of a connection that bypasses you.

Is your partner uncomfortable with these messages, for example? I mean, does it feel like a boundary violation from their perspective? Or does it seem perfectly natural to them? Because if there's something bothering you, your perceptions might be mismatched. That's a separate issue.

Have you noticed whether your partner writes things that are about you, special to you, rather than about themselves? Like "he/she does this, loves that, pay attention to this" kind of comments. If they strengthen the "bond" by talking with you, that's one thing; if they're directing you, that's another. The two are not the same.

Look at it this way: Is your partner someone who would continue these conversations even if you didn't want them to? If they see such a bond as "normal" even on their own, it seems like there is a connection that exists independently of you. If you don't want that, what happens to that bond?

Is your partner talking to you about these messages? I mean, have they ever shared their feelings about this situation or their own position? If the topic isn't coming up or if there are evasive answers, it means that one side is already feeling stuck in the relationship dynamics.

But how your partner communicates these messages to you is also important. Do they say it directly, show it to you? Or do you find out by chance? If they are not transparent from the beginning, trust is already being broken.

Could your partner be enjoying these messages? I mean, you shouldn't see the communication only as a move coming from your mother; maybe your partner is actively keeping the conversation going. If that's the case, the issue might be more about your partner's own preference than your mother's control. Have you noticed this?

Maybe you need to consider that your mother is indirectly trying to imply something to you by talking to your partner. For example, conveying criticisms she can't directly tell you through your partner in a "sweet" way. Is there such a thing in your mother's style?

Wasn't your partner keeping these messages in any way? Because if you noticed it afterward and felt the need to hide it, then not only the content of the conversation but also "why they felt the need to conceal it" should be questioned. If it's something normal, why didn't they share it openly?

Have you looked at the frequency of the messages? Is there constant communication or do they write occasionally? If it's very frequent and starts out of nowhere, it means there's a "too close" situation on one side of this matter.

Have you considered the possibility that your mom is trying to sway your partner to her side and gain an advantage over you in these messages? I mean, what if during a small argument with you, your partner defends themselves by saying something like, "But your mom thinks so too"? She might be pre-positioning herself.

Are they specifically talking about your partner in other messages, or is it more general conversations? Because the tone and content of this could indicate that the intent behind it might be different from what you think. Simply stating "they are chatting" could be misleading.

So, how did these messages start? Who initiated the first step, who is starting it? Since it’s not forced, we need to understand if both sides have any eagerness. Is your mom paying a lot of attention, or is your partner looking for opportunities?

If they are talking so comfortably, it’s clear that there hasn’t been a boundary drawn between them before. Normally, in such intimacy, you can put a stop to it without your girlfriend or mother’s guidance. Doesn’t your girlfriend really find this situation strange?

Did your partner never consider that establishing such a relationship with your mother might bother you? I mean, allowing such a relaxed communication to develop between the two of them... I think the real issue here is that they didn't set boundaries from the beginning. Didn't they discuss this upfront to make it clear where to draw the line?

Have you noticed the writing style in the messages between you and your partner? For example, are there overly intimate expressions, jokes, or personal details? If there’s a tone that could lead to misunderstandings, there might be something off there.

So is it normal for your mother not to mention any of these messages to you? I mean, if they communicate frequently and according to your mother there’s nothing strange about it, why doesn’t she feel the need to talk to you about it? It seems like something that should be discussed openly.

Have you tried asking your partner how they feel about this communication with your mother? You might be sure of your mother's intentions, but you need to understand whether your partner is uncomfortable with the situation. Sometimes, even at a midpoint, everyone might have their own unique discomfort.

If your partner is so close to your mother, you need to consider whether what your mother says affects their decisions. For instance, when you have a disagreement on a matter, do they lean on your mother's opinion, or do they defend their own view? Your mother may be exploiting this situation to create a passive control area in the relationship.

How often are the messages happening? If they've become constant, this could have turned into a habit. If it's not just about setting boundaries and is now considered a natural situation, it will be harder to resolve the issue. That's why you need to tackle the problem at its roots; just focusing on the content is not enough.

Well, isn't it strange that your mother sees your boyfriend so easily as just a "friend" and feels bold enough to message him like that? Normally, mothers tend to be a bit more distant, especially with their daughter's boyfriend. Where does this comfort come from? Was there an issue with the previous dynamic?

The comfort between your girlfriend and your mother might be shaking your position in the relationship a bit. But the real question is: Where does your mother see you in this dynamic? If she has perceived it as a "sibling relationship" from the very beginning and your girlfriend has fit into that, this communication might seem strange to you but not to them. You need to dig a little deeper into its origins.

If there's such a comfortable communication, could there be a chance that your partner confides in your mother instead of you? For example, when they discuss a topic with you, do they go and tell your mother about it? If this is the case, the bond between them might be shifting in a different direction. This needs to be clarified.

Could the reason your mother has formed such a close bond with your girlfriend be that you might have shared some special information about yourself? I mean, if your mother learned of a weak point of hers or a detail that could create a friction in the relationship, she might be establishing a form of control under the guise of "closeness." Have you ever thought about this?

You should also consider this: if your partner is messaging your mother this much, are they filling a gap that exists in their relationship with you? Maybe there's something they find difficult to share with you or something that doesn't match your style, but they can talk about it easily with your mother. Take a look at who might be missing from your communication dynamic and where.

With all this messaging, does your mom see your partner as an "ally" against you? I mean, is their connection just a casual chat, or is it a way for your mom to try to increase her influence over you? We need to take a closer look at your mom's intentions here.

So your girlfriend is messaging your mom, okay, but aside from the fact that your mom is so comfortable with your girlfriend, why isn't your girlfriend setting some boundaries here? I mean, shouldn't she say at some point, "this relationship is also my private space"? If the issue involves your mom, we should also look for solutions from your girlfriend.

Maybe your partner has normalized this situation because such intimate communication within the family might be common in their surroundings. What seems strange to you could be natural for them. For example, is there a similar "everyone is open with everyone" dynamic in their own family? Have you tried looking a bit into their background?

How well do you know the content of these messages between your girlfriend and her ex? Are they just talking about "weather and water" or are there deeper things being discussed about you? Because sometimes the issue isn’t about frequency, it’s about content. Without clarifying this, every scenario remains up in the air.

What if your mom is trying to pull your girlfriend to her side with these messages? What if she’s pushing you "out of the triangle" without you even noticing? Could they be leaving you out of the game while forming such a close bond between them? Think about it.

What if there is an independent relationship that develops entirely between your mother and your partner, instead of a bond established through a "you"? In other words, could this situation not be about your shortcomings or issues of control, but rather stemming from their own characters? Sometimes people establish a different kind of equality than you might think; could you be overlooking this?

Now, your mother having such close dialogue with your partner might be related to you, okay. But ask yourself this question: has your partner ever discussed this situation with you? That is, have they given any explanation like “shared something about you” or “did this for your benefit”? Or does the message exchange seem like a kind of “secret alliance”? If there’s an unexplained intent or something that hasn’t been shared, that’s where problems typically begin.

So when your girlfriend talks so comfortably with your mother, has anything changed in her communication with you? For example, has the amount she shares with you decreased or has she started to be more distant on certain topics? Or could it be that the impact of these messages on you and your relationship might not be as significant as you think?

Could your partner see her ex as an authority figure? I mean, could your partner have a hard time saying "no" to him? Sometimes in such situations, the other person pretends to go along with it even if they don't want to, just to avoid ruining the relationship. Have you ever thought about this dynamic?

But if we're evaluating your mother's influence over your partner through the lens of "authority figure," we also need to consider why your mother feels so at ease. In this equation, while it might be true that your partner can't say "no," why is your mother ignoring this? Shouldn't boundaries be expected not only from your partner but also from your mother?

What if there’s a normal friendship between your mother and your partner when you’re not around? You view it through the lens of "relationship hierarchy," but maybe they’re just establishing a straightforward social connection. Should you recognize this possibility and evaluate it accordingly, or is it just growing because you feel completely excluded?

So, do you know how willing your partner is about these messages? I mean, is it them who actively keeps the conversation going, or is it your mom who tends to initiate more? Think about who carries the weight of the communication. Sometimes, what may seem "ordinary" for one side could actually be a move for control from the other side.

Have you ever seen any content in these messages? What are they talking about, for example, everyday things, or is there a post bypassing you regarding relationships? If you’re just fixated on the frequency without looking at the content, you might be focusing on the wrong point.

Are you normalizing your mom talking this much with your partner, or have you started to add extra meaning because it bothers you that they are forming this bond? Because if there's such a dynamic, one person is definitely giving the other more space or an excessive level of intimacy is being established. Expecting boundaries that you didn't set from someone else will lead you into a never-ending cycle. Shouldn't this have been clearly discussed from the beginning?

Everyone is focused on what your mother and girlfriend intend, but have you ever expressed to them how you feel in this situation? Like, did you say something like, "I feel excluded when I see you talking like this"? Because sometimes people can unintentionally exclude someone from the center and form a bond. Your perception may differ from their viewpoint.

But is your mother excluding you from the communication she's built with your partner, or do you feel excluded on your own? This needs to be examined a bit more clearly. There is a possibility that both might inadvertently remove you from the equation, but sometimes, the problem may seem larger because a person doesn't ask themselves, "Where do I stand in this relationship?" In other words, the issue may not be what they are doing, but rather how you fit into this bond.

Do their messages include topics related to you? If there’s a conversation going on that doesn’t concern you, you should ask yourself why you’re worried about that relationship or their connection. Maybe your mother’s overall social dynamic is like that, and you might be adding too much meaning to it.

But what if your mother knows too much about your partner? I mean, could it be that she's sharing special conversations or details in your relationship that should only be between you and your partner? If there is such a flow of information, then I think it’s not just about "chatting"; one side is clearly crossing a boundary.

I think this is important too: If your mother did this with someone else, for example, your friend's boyfriend, would you still find it so ordinary? Or is it just because it's with your partner that it bothers you this much? This also depends a bit on how you define your own relationship space.

But also consider what kind of authority or figure your mother represents in your boyfriend's eyes. In other words, how much does your boyfriend approach your mother as an "equal" individual, and how much as an "authority"? Similarly, does your mother stand on the same level with your boyfriend, or is she in a guiding position? This dynamic may even shape the relationship subtly.

Do you feel that your "we" space has been violated because your ex is building such a bond with someone else? It could also be an issue that you haven't assessed this bond from your own boundaries as much as you worry about what they're discussing in messages. Instead of focusing on their dynamic, question why it bothers you so much, because the issue is most prominently in the part that affects you the most.

You say there's a bond being formed between your mother and your girlfriend, but the nature of that bond is important. Is your mother keeping your girlfriend close while pushing you aside in that relationship, or is she using you like a bridge in these conversations? Without understanding the difference between the two, you won't be able to figure out what to do.

Have you ever observed the frequency and tone of your mother’s messaging with your girlfriend? I mean, is it just the usual small talk, or do they dive into deeper topics? Sometimes the issue is more about the intensity of the communication than the content itself; if there’s a level of intimacy that can’t be overlooked, it might be a problematic situation.

Have you tried asking, "Is there a messaging thread you never mentioned to me?" It's difficult to figure out the connection between them without directly asking—maybe it's not as special a situation as you think. But if they are trying to hide it, then that's another matter.

So what's the reason for your mother being in such constant communication with your boyfriend? I mean, is your mother normally this close with everyone, or does she have a special interest in your boyfriend? If it's just related to your boyfriend, do you think your mother might have some expectations about this relationship? Have you thought about that aspect at all?

If you're uncomfortable with your mom messaging your boyfriend, it's possible that she might be trying to find out something about you through him. Is there a topic that has caused issues in the past, or one that remains unspoken between you? She might be choosing this indirect approach instead of communicating directly with you.

Did you directly ask your girlfriend why she was messaging? It's easy to come up with scenarios in your head without asking, but sometimes intentions might not turn out to be what you thought at all. Maybe you're just blowing it out of proportion because you think she's not telling you.

Is it possible for a mother to create the feeling that she is taking a side while you are messaging your partner? In other words, could it be that she unconsciously seems to be taking a stance next to your partner? If so, this feeling could affect your trust in the relationship, and it needs to be clarified.

Why do you have to monitor the communication between your mother and your girlfriend? The real absurdity here is that your mother acts so casually without considering the boundaries of your relationship. You're the one who needs to set boundaries for them; this won't get resolved without clearly expressing your feelings.

Maybe your mom is trying to gain an advantage in your relationship by keeping things warm with your partner? For instance, implying that she could stand by her side during your arguments. Have you ever thought that your mom might have such a strategic approach?

Have you told your partner how you feel about this? Understanding your mother's intentions is one thing, but without seeing how your partner is approaching the situation, I don't think you'll have a complete solution. Maybe your partner is also uncomfortable with the situation in a way you weren't expecting, or on the contrary, they might be getting defensive unnecessarily.

Maybe the issue is that your girlfriend communicates so easily with your mother. Otherwise, in a healthy relationship, a partner wouldn't need to have such close messaging with their significant other’s family. Ask your girlfriend if she thinks your mother is crossing a boundary.

If your mother has such a trait and always wants to take a place in everyone's life, what then? It's another issue if your partner leaves an open door for this. You need to question both of them, don't just focus on one.

So did your mom communicate like this with your friends before your boyfriend? Or is this something completely new and limited to your boyfriend? If it’s not an old habit, she might be trying to establish a special bond with him.

Putting aside your mother's motivation in this communication, why is your partner getting so involved in the matter? Isn't it expected for them to keep a bit of distance? Whatever your mother is doing is one thing, but why does your partner seem so relaxed about this situation? There seems to be something odd about it.

I would ask directly. If instead of answering, they turn the topic to you, there's already something fishy going on.

I would ask directly. If instead of an answer, they shift the topic to you, there's definitely something off there.

Putting the mother's intentions aside, the relaxed reaction of the partner actually says a lot. Is it a sign of their attachment to you or are they someone open to the influence of their mother? Maybe they show this ease in other relationships as well; think about it.

Does your partner find this completely normal, or are they getting more involved to prove this to you? In other words, could they be trying to say, "Look, there's no problem"? In this case, you might need to discuss boundaries with both your mother and them.

So where does the other person stand on this? For instance, do they share their conversations with their partner with you, or do they keep everything entirely to themselves? Because the tone of the situation changes depending on their willingness to share with you.

Does your partner ever talk openly about these messages? Or do you bring it up after noticing? If there's nothing being hidden from you, it would be interesting for them to try to normalize the situation.

Did your partner ever adhere to a direction your mother wanted during these messages? For example, has there been a time when they were willing to do something suggested by your mother or change a plan? Or do these discussions remain entirely at the level of conversation?

The real question is this: why can your mother be so close to your partner without communicating with you on the same level? I mean, instead of being an intermediary, there’s a dynamic that normalizes direct communication with her. I think you should really look into whether your role has been bypassed in this situation.

Does your mother also get into the details of a topic related to you in these conversations? I mean, do personal matters between you two come up there? Or is this completely independent communication? If so, then the boundaries must have become quite blurred.

If your mother is talking about certain things concerning you with your partner and is putting her in a kind of "advisory" position, that's where things can get complicated. Because at some point, there will be a shift of power from your relationship with your partner or your private space to your mother. This disrupts all dynamics. Here, I think the main thing to pay attention to is, who has disrupted that balance? It could be your mother or your partner.

Here, there seems to be a situation where your mother views your girlfriend as a sort of "partner". In other words, she seems to be trying to establish a separate bond with her without placing you at the center. No matter how innocent the content of this correspondence may be, you need to question how your girlfriend is allowing this familiarity. Perhaps this ease could also infiltrate the dynamics between you two.

Could your ex be using this communication as a way to send you indirect messages through your partner? For example, is there a situation where they might be telling your partner things they can’t say to you or don’t want to say? If so, your partner could unintentionally fall into the role of a "messenger."

Has your partner ever shown you the content of these messages, for example? If there's direct transparency, things could be evaluated a bit differently. But if not, if they're being evasive or covering things up, it means a problem has already started there.

If your partner can communicate so easily with your mother, is your partner trying to set boundaries with you? Or are they passively accommodating by making space for your mother? It's also important to consider where your partner stands in the role of a parent here.

How does your partner behave regarding the correspondence with your mother? For example, has he/she tried to figure out his/her intentions by asking something like, "Why is he/she telling you this instead of me?" Or is he/she accepting it as it is, in a more accommodating position? I think the clues to this situation are here.

If your partner initiated these conversations or if your mother provided this comfort, I think it's important to look at your partner's own family dynamics here. Is there such a role confusion in their own relationships as well? Perhaps they might be unconsciously imposing a "normal" structure on you.

Why does your mother prefer to communicate with your other significant other so much? What does it bring her? Is the goal here really to establish a sincere bond, or is it to shape her relationship with you in another way? Just as important as how your significant other approaches this is your mother's expectations from this communication.

Your mother's communication with your partner could also indicate that she is trying to expand her control. Consider whether her messaging your partner without telling you is an attempt to exclude you or establish a connection on her terms. For example, how much are these messages affecting your partner? Could your mother's opinions and desires have influenced your partner's behavior?

What if your partner is forming such a bond with your mother without realizing it? You know how they say, "well-meaning but out of control." For example, when your mother says something, does she immediately pull you into the situation or does she act on her own? The key point here is to clarify your partner's position in this scenario. Otherwise, this "mediator" role can cause just as many issues as your mother’s intentions.

Have you considered the possibility that your mother is trying to shape your love life by telling your side of the story to your partner? For example, when an event occurs, whose perspective does your partner act upon first? Your mother's, or yours?

Could your mother's communication with your girlfriend have turned into a strategy to bypass you at some point? Have you noticed this? In other words, she might be trying to solve things she can't handle with you through your girlfriend. If your girlfriend is leaving the door open for this, it can feed the situation, especially if it establishes itself as a "bridge" between you two. You need to clarify this relationship dynamic; otherwise, you might end up on the outside.

When writing to your mother, is she creating a shared space, or is she pulling you away to strengthen her relationship with them? Look at this clearly. Does your partner bring a detail or a topic related to you to your mother? You will understand whether it is a "bridge" or a "partner".

So how open is your partner about these conversations with you? I mean, do they share the messages with you, or do they keep it as a "private matter" between them? If there is secrecy here, that’s where the trouble arises.

Now, what your mother’s messages include is also important. For example, are they just talking about trivial things, or are they discussing matters related to you? Because if the conversation shifts from "friendly chat" to talking about your relationship, then there's already a big problem.

the main question here is: Why is your partner creating space in this communication? I mean, even if your mother wanted it, your partner can set their own boundaries, right? Or are they influenced by your mother? It seems like your partner's attitude also plays a role in changing the dynamics of these conversations.

Is your mother trying to send you a "you can't live without me" message by establishing such a connection with your partner? I mean, is this an attempt to act as if she has some authority in your relationship? Maybe the issue isn't just with your partner, but also with how your mother is trying to position you.

So, is there a balance of initiative in the conversations between your mother and your partner? For example, how often does your mother take the lead in starting and directing the conversation? Because if she is always the one initiating, it might be somewhat like a "encirclement" attempt. You need to see the power dynamics at play there.

I think if your partner isn't sharing anything about you during these conversations, you might also need to consider that your mother could have created a "curious" ground. In other words, they might not be just communicating for the sake of it; your partner might be trying to extract information about you. In this kind of communication, clarify who is providing what and who is receiving what.

Consider this as well: Is your mother establishing some kind of "dominance zone" by communicating with your partner? I mean, it's not just about control; she may also be sending a message like "I'm here, you will take me into account." In this case, your partner's reaction becomes even more important; if they're being passive, it means they're becoming part of this game.

And there's this too: Could it be that your partner is normalizing these communications completely? I mean, maybe they have a mindset that doesn't see this kind of interaction with their mother as a problem, but in this situation, it’s important whether they take your discomfort seriously or not. In fact, do they involve you in this cycle from the start, or are they somehow leaving you out?

Are you completely outside of this communication between your mother and your girlfriend? I mean, if you don't know the content of their correspondence, is your girlfriend intentionally blocking your "flow of information"? Because this seems like a somewhat too secretive situation.

Your mom is messaging your girlfriend, alright, but if your mom has that much access, then I don't think your girlfriend is just messaging her. It could be that your mom is influencing your life with her observations or opinions. For instance, when your mom says something, does your girlfriend ever turn to you and say, "But your mom said this"? That's the crucial part.