My mother-in-law is messaging my girlfriend on WhatsApp

we had a similar situation at our house. my mother-in-law constantly snooped into my wife's personal matters, she was like an inspector, not like a mother. then we talked openly and once we were clear, she stopped. but it was a tough process 🫠

What you call a mother-in-law definitely gets involved. My mom sometimes actually intervenes between my brother and sister-in-law. That's just how things are. You can interrupt now and then, but of course, you can't completely exclude them 🤷‍♀️

@kahvebitmeden I think this normalization is wrong. Families that pressure partners like this are breaking homes. Everyone should know their place, after all, when you get married, you're starting a life with someone else.

I think the most logical thing is to speak clearly. Agree with your partner and set a common framework. You have to put a stop to what your mother says. Otherwise, it will keep going like this.

So, what does your girlfriend say about this? She seems not to be bothered, or maybe she's not even aware of the situation.

@pazardandondum actually, my girlfriend is also a bit uncomfortable, but she doesn't want to say anything to her mother. She's trying to manage things so that we don't get into a fight. But we talked about it openly, and I'm starting to get angry.

@aklimkaldi then sit down and talk to your mom with your girlfriend. If you take it all on yourself, you'll end up in a bad situation, especially when you're still in the girlfriend phase.

I can't accept such a situation; I advise you to be clear from the start.

If your partner doesn't want it themselves, whatever you say won't change anything; the real issue here is that they are disturbed by your mother's attitude yet aren't taking any steps. The idea of talking together sounds nice, but if your partner remains silent, you'll still end up looking bad. From the start, the power balance has been problematic.

You say she doesn't want to talk back to her mother, but that's the problem here. If she doesn't, people will overstep their boundaries and get used to it. She's just hiding her discomfort from you; she doesn't set boundaries with her mother. Has she even thought about where this is all going to lead?

So how are your mom's messages? Are they just casual chats, or is she trying to steer your relationship? Maybe the discomfort lies exactly here.

She doesn’t want to say anything bad about her mother but you say she clearly expresses her discomfort to you. So, could she be trying to use you as a buffer in between? Like, is there an attitude of “you solve this situation, so I won’t be caught in between”?

What’s the big deal about messaging your mother-in-law this much on WhatsApp? If it’s more than just daily simple messages, then whatever the intention, it reeks of control freakiness. If your partner turns a blind eye to this, her mother will meddle in other things about you in the future; this is just the first step 😬

How often and at what times does her mother message her boyfriend? Is it a spontaneous chat during the day, or is there constant contact regardless of the time day and night? It’s worth considering whether this might turn into a habit that will tire you out in the future 🙄

As much as the content of the messages, the reaction of your partner when this topic comes up is important. If they brush it off with something like "oh that's just my mom, it's not a big deal," that's concerning. Pay attention not only to the intensity of the mother's interest but also to whether your partner is ready to set boundaries regarding that interest. Because for now it's WhatsApp, but next it could be something else.

How will you notice if your mother's messages start to take a manipulative turn regarding you after a while? Right now, it seems like "maybe my mom is writing a bit too much," but later it could turn into "I said this, she was aware of it." Your partner's tolerance not only affects you but also undermines their own decision-making process.

Think about this: How transparent is your partner when communicating with their mother like this? Are you the one asking about the content of the messages, or are they the one sharing? If there’s no transparency, then closeness becomes an excuse, and this turns into a matter of creating a "private space."

I think the real question is this: Are these communications a habit or are they being presented to you as a "one-time thing" or "nothing to exaggerate"? Because if there’s continuity, this is no longer WhatsApp; it’s a sign of addiction. They need to know where to draw the line.

Have you ever been shown the content of these messages directly? Because they are referred to as "simple messages," but sometimes hidden indirect interventions lie within seemingly simple details. If your partner isn't sharing this content, it means there is either privacy or a defense effort at play.

One more thing: Is the way your partner describes this situation to you the same tone they use when communicating with their mother? If they say "you're overreacting, it's just simple stuff" to you but write to their mother very seriously or in detail, then this duality indicates a different issue. Pay attention not just to the content of the messages, but also to the messaging style.

How about the use of emojis in conversations with your mom? It may seem like a simple detail, but if there are smiles, hearts, and things like "you know it, mom," the tone can go in completely different directions. Nuance can sometimes change the entire vibe 🤔

We also need to consider this: Who initiates the messaging dynamic? If your partner is constantly in a position that encourages her to write to her mother, this has already become a mutual habit. On the other hand, if her mother writes out of the blue and your partner is just responding, this raises the possibility of "being uncomfortable but unable to say stop." This distinction is important.

Also, check the times of the messages from your mother. Are they during work hours, or unexpectedly at night? If she messages you constantly without regard for time, it indicates that your mother is not respecting your boundaries. If your partner normalizes this behavior, the problem will escalate.

Does your mother make indirect statements about your girlfriend during these conversations, like "wouldn't such-and-such thing not be to his liking, doesn't he do this?" Because at some point, the target could be you, but it's not meant for you to see it directly; it's expected that you'll feel it in the background. Try to notice these kinds of micro details.

If your partner is dividing their time or attention with you because of these messages, that's also an important indicator. Are they someone who puts things off with you just to communicate with their mother, saying "just a second" and then diving into their phone? Or are they someone who replies quickly and then shuts it off completely? This could reveal something about their character.

I also thought about this: During these conversations, is your partner's phone left on? I mean, can you see messages comfortably at any moment when they arrive, or is the phone constantly flipped over and sitting in a corner? The way that device is positioned can even give an idea about "transparency" or "privacy."

In conversations with your partner's mother, the emoji, time, or content matter, but the critical aspect is whether there’s something unclear in their attitude towards the situation. In other words, if they say "This is normal," are they avoiding explaining it to you or going on the defensive? Or do they genuinely say, "I understand why this bothers you," and include you in the conversation? Does their reaction suggest they’re hiding something, or does it seem like they don’t care much about it?

So how does the mother address the partner when writing? Is it more formal or sincere? If there are direct emotional expressions like "My dear son," she might view the relationship in a context that's different from a normal habit. Consider these as well.

You’re missing this: why doesn’t your partner tell you what their mother wrote? I mean, even if messaging is intense, people usually share daily updates like "my mom said this, she’s saying that." If that’s not happening, it could mean they’re hiding what was discussed.

Do you have any idea about the content of these correspondences? I mean, is the subject always about daily things, or are there more guiding, thought-provoking topics? It's important to understand whether her mother is interfering in your relationship dynamics through your girlfriend.

Has your partner ever complained to you about the intensity or content of these messages? In other words, do they react with something like "My mom is texting a lot again, I’m bored," or do they act like everything is completely normal and natural? Your partner's threshold for discomfort on this issue is also a clue to understanding their relationship with their mother.

Mothers sometimes continue to see their sons as an extension of themselves, and this is where the trouble begins. Pay attention to whether your partner is acting as a "mediator" with these communications. For instance, could it be that your mother is learning about things she wants to ask you through your partner? Is she passing on the messages, or is she mixing things up in between? It's important.

I don't think the issue is with your mother, but with your girlfriend. I mean, even if this communication feels momentary and boring, she could say directly, "This is too much, let's tone it down." Why isn't she saying that? If she can't set boundaries with her mother, how will she manage a relationship with you?

You also need to consider the role of your mother in these messages. Does she prefer to keep your communication with your partner under control, exerting a passive but constant pressure? Or is she genuinely caught in the middle and trying to manage the situation? It's important to recognize this distinction.

I would say to pay attention not only to the frequency and content of the messages between your mother and your partner but also to your mother's style. For instance, is there a controlling or demanding tone in her communications? Does she limit herself to just asking "what are you doing," or does she constantly express opinions and interfere in your partner's life? It’s also important to consider how much space your partner gives to manage this relationship.

Isn't there a way to find out if the messages are about you? Because if something is being discussed about you and your partner is completely removing it from communication, then there's a bigger problem here. It's not about not being able to detach from your mother, but rather about not being able to share the relationship.

If messaging is acting as if it’s something you shouldn’t know about, you need to understand why your partner is defending this situation. Are they unable to be clear with their mother, or do they find this normal? In either case, you may need to reassess your partner’s relationship boundaries with their mother.

So what is the starting point of this messaging? I mean, is your partner the one who mostly initiates the conversation, or is it their mother who constantly tries to write and stay in touch? Understanding the dynamic and who it comes from is also important.

If one of the messages crosses a bit of distance, what does your partner do, have you ever seen? For example, if their mother criticizes you in passing or makes a silly comment, do they stay silent, or do they try to salvage the situation without confronting their mother? If they have no reaction, that might be the real issue.

The question is this: Is your partner trying to balance between you and their mother, or do they enjoy facilitating their mother’s issues and being a go-between? Because there is a difference between the two. If your partner likes to solve their mother’s problems, this situation will not occur occasionally but will happen repeatedly. It can be exhausting in the long run.

Another detail that makes me think: How does your partner explain these conversations to you? Do they have an explanatory, informative attitude, or do they not mention it unless you ask and leave the topic vague? I believe their communication style says a lot about how their bond with their mother affects your relationship.

Look at how much her mother considers your presence while messaging with your girlfriend. If she is ignoring you or constantly communicating outside the mother-you duo, the issue might not just be the content of the messages, but how your relationship is perceived as being a "third person." Then the real problem is this dynamic.

Your mother being so comfortable messaging your boyfriend might also stem from his own attitude. For instance, does he take this communication seriously, or is he thinking, "Oh, what’s the big deal, it’s just my mom"? If he doesn't realize how uncomfortable this situation is, you might need to clarify your own approach a bit. Where will the line be drawn?

If your partner communicates so frequently and intimately with their mother, the one-on-one closeness they share with you may be losing its "special" status. In other words, if the space they give to their mother overlaps with the space they give to you, the privacy of your relationship may suffer. In your opinion, does a third party in this relationship cross a boundary? That's the main question you should answer, I think.

Ask this as well: Does your partner see the content of these messages as something to protect, or does she consider it like her mother's "private space"? In other words, is her attitude of not showing them to you solely based on the excuse of your mother's privacy? Sometimes, these kinds of things turn into a silly secrecy game while trying to say "let's not let anyone else interfere."

And there's this: Is the reason your mother is messaging your boyfriend so much because of her excessive trust in him, or is it because she feels the need to always have a say in his life? If it's the second one, that means she will also have boundary issues with you. Even if it's not evident now, it will become more apparent in the future.

Setting aside the fact that your mother is so intensely communicative, does your partner defend these text exchanges or do they have some awareness like, "yes, this is a bit much"? Because the crux of the matter lies with your partner's attitude, not your mother's. If they don't take what they see and their discomfort seriously, this won't be resolved.

The thing I’m most curious about is: does your mom writing to your boyfriend so casually have any implications? I mean, does your boyfriend respond with an interest that normalizes it? Because if it's a one-sided situation, it wouldn’t be sustainable for long; there must be some kind of "invitation" in that communication.

I'm curious about this: Do you know the tone of these messages? I mean, are they just ordinary daily things, or is there an emotional intensity, too much curiosity about your private life? Because the tone clarifies how much care is taken about the boundaries of the relationship 😬

You also check the times and frequency of their messages, right? For example, do they write at night, on weekends, or during your special times? Because it's not just about the content; the timing also indicates intent.

So, does your partner show you the content of these messages, or do they brush it off as "something between me and my mom"? Because if they're hiding the content, there might be an underlying subtext of "everyone should know their place". This makes it harder to understand what the real issue is that’s causing discomfort.

How do you think your partner would feel if they were messaging with your mother this much? If this bothers you in some way, try talking about it with mutual empathy. If communication has deviated from the norm, you'll need to work together to define what "normal" is.

Also, consider whether your partner feels any tension with you due to the content and frequency of these messages. In other words, while trying to close the topic by saying "the thing between my mom and me," does your questioning of this situation create a discussion? If it is assigning you a role of being "too sensitive," then the issue is not just between mother and son, but your communication dynamic should also be examined.

It's not just about reading the messages; how your mom's boyfriend responds to what she writes is also important. Does he give dismissive replies like "okay auntie, thanks" or does he use language that keeps the conversation going? If there's a significant "they're having a conversation" situation, it seems like the boundary issue between the two is being navigated mutually.

If there was such intensity in the communication between your mother and your partner, would you question your mother's motivation? Because understanding why your mother-in-law did this is also important. Love, control, jealousy, insincerity... What's underneath it all should be discussed.

Does your partner take a clear stance the moment you say, "this situation bothers me," or do they try to soften the issue and step back in order not to upset their mother? Because what's critical here is how much your feelings matter to them. It is more important how your partner manages this balance than their mother's intent.

Something catches my attention: Has your boyfriend ever questioned how normal he finds his mother's frequency of messaging? I mean, just because someone is a mother, it doesn't automatically legitimize everything they do with "okay, because it's my mom." Do you think your boyfriend has realized his own boundaries regarding this relationship?

It seems like you might be overlooking one point: How much of your girlfriend's time is occupied by her mother? I mean, messaging is not just about frequency and content; it’s also about the issue of "space" in the relationship. Is the time she spends with you, her attention, and her energy subtly being diverted to her "mother's share"?

But I don't think the mother-in-law's side is being questioned at all. I mean, she is the one who has made messaging like this such a habit. Even if your partner doesn't set boundaries, why wouldn't an adult know their place? Have you considered talking to your mother-in-law about this directly?

Your mother-in-law might be intruding on your partner's personal space, but it's important to understand why she feels the need to do so. For instance, is she reaching out because she can't help herself, is she consulting your partner about something, or is it just for chat? If her motivation is clear, a healthier solution could be discussed.

So now the main question is this: Is your partner talking about themselves in these messages, or are you somehow finding out about this communication and making an issue of it? Because if it's not something hidden, it's worth considering why they would hide something that is being done so openly. However, if they are concealing it or brushing it off, then there seems to be another problem there.

Have you ever talked about the content of the messages? I mean, what your mother-in-law writes to her, what responses she gives? Because it's not just about the frequency, the tone of the messages is important too. Is it daily exchanges like "we got this, we did that," or has a more emotional bond formed? The boundary becomes clearer from here.

Of course, it's important to question your mother-in-law's motivation, but does your partner see this messaging as "motherly love" or "normal family dynamics"? There might be a blind spot there. Someone who doesn't communicate with their own mother at the same intensity may find this strange, but if they accept things as natural, they may not be noticing something that seems odd to you. Perhaps what you really need to discuss with your partner is not about their relationship with their mother, but how the definition of "personal space" looks when it comes to you.

Does a mother who sends messages this frequently perhaps enjoy being the "third person" in your relationship? Because the situation here might smell more like a power play than just a need for conversation. Is she getting this involved to say "my bond with my son is stronger than yours"?

Is your mother-in-law keeping this type of communication limited to your partner, or does she have this style of communication with others in general as well? Is it just a habit related to your relationship, or is it part of her overall social dynamic? This is important. If she exhibits the same pattern in other relationships, the issue may not be personal, but if it's only the case here, her intentions might be different.

I would ask directly. If instead of answering the question they turn the topic to you, it seems like there's a trick there.

But it seems strange to me that your partner normalizes this situation or doesn't feel uncomfortable. Has she explained why? I mean, does she find the content or intensity of the messages reasonable, or is she completely ignoring it?

If your partner doesn't feel uncomfortable with your mother's messages, there could be a case of "habit blindness". But what really matters is that if your partner is defending this situation in a place where you can't see this boundary clearly, they need to try to understand why it bothers you so much. Otherwise, it becomes an easy way to "normalize" the issue.

In such an intense messaging situation, the way your partner responds is actually important. For example, their mother might be constantly texting, but if she doesn’t reply or keeps it short, it wouldn't carry much weight. Is your partner really giving space for this, or are you getting bogged down in the details?

This "habit blindness" usually works quite well with mothers like this. Some test how far they can push the limits as long as the boy doesn't react. But the strange part is, is your partner really quietly agreeing to this level of messaging? I mean, are they affirming with their answers, or do they just brush it off saying, "it's just mom writing" without taking it seriously? That's something to clarify first.

But has your mother-in-law ever noticed how these messages affect the interaction between you and your partner? I mean, her involvement might feel suffocating, but is she really aware that it damages your relationship? Or does she see this situation as merely a "harmless" closeness?

Sometimes in such situations, the main issue is not the messaging itself, but the underlying dynamics. What is at the root of the mother-in-law's intense need to write? Is it a need for control, loneliness, or the lack of a support network other than her son? These lead to different behaviors. It's important to look not only at the impact on the relationship but also at why she is behaving this way.

It's fine, but just as critical as why your mother-in-law is doing this is where your partner stands in this situation. There is a factor affecting the relationship from the outside, and how does your partner react to it? If they just brush it off with "Oh, it's just mom", shouldn't you question their comfort with that at some point?

I think the content of all this correspondence is important too. Is it about instant sharing, or is it a constant involvement in things? If it's the latter and your partner sees it as just an ordinary "motherly love," it seems like there's a serious communication gap. It doesn't feel healthy for someone else to shape the boundaries in your relationship like this.

If you think your mother-in-law's correspondence has crossed a line, you can gauge how your partner reacts if you openly tell them about it. In other words, as much as the mother’s intent matters, it’s also important how your partner accepts this situation as "fine with me." If they are ignoring something that bothers you, this is where the main breaking point would lie.

It's also worth considering whether your mother-in-law is writing to your partner in a way that directly bothers you, or if these interactions are completely developing within their own mother-son dynamic. If you sense a bit of competition, jabs, or an underlying message of "I'm still more important," the issue may not just be the frequency of the messages, but also the intent. That's why it might be worthwhile to focus a bit more on the content.

The timing of continuous correspondence is as important as its content. For instance, does the person write at very unrelated times, or do they specifically engage when they are spending time with you, intruding into your space? If this is a deliberate attempt to "stake a claim," the situation may be more complex than you think.

So does your partner react when these messages come in front of you, or do they just brush it off quietly? Sometimes the issue isn’t the frequency of the messages, but how your partner stands in response to this situation. If they don't directly express something that bothers you while they are with you, the problem might lie elsewhere.

How special of a bond do you think your mother-in-law is forming with your significant other? I mean, could these messages be making you feel like she is filling your role? If you have such a feeling, you could bring it up when talking to your partner by discussing the emotions it creates in you rather than the frequency of the messages.

But there's also this: A man who sees sharing so much correspondence with your partner's mother as a kind of sharing relationship, how well does he preserve the boundaries of intimacy between you? Do you think he's someone who tells her every detail? Or does he have a casual mindset like "Well, she's my mom, what's the big deal?" I think this is where we should really look.

And here's another thing; are your partner's chats open to you? When notifications come in and their phone is nearby, do they hide it, turn the screen away, or create some tension? If this is such a normal thing, then they shouldn't feel any hesitation in sharing it with you. But if there is some reluctance, then the explanation becomes more complicated.

Also, it's important to consider what your mother is really trying to achieve with these messages. Does she want to connect with her son, or is she entering into a power struggle with you? If the second possibility is more dominant, you may need to find the real solution not with your partner's mother but with your partner themselves 🙄

"Mother-son dynamics" might be overlooked, but isn’t this already an unhealthy dynamic? I mean, when a mother still wants to be this involved with an adult man, where is this going to end? If this is a model, won't the same issues arise in other areas in the future?

Now that the communications have become so frequent and noticeable, one can't help but wonder; hasn't your partner ever questioned their mother's behavior? I mean, if there's no reflex like "Mom, isn't this a bit too much?" at some point, it means they're comfortable with this situation as well. The main issue here is how much your partner has normalized this situation.

The content of the messages isn't opening at all, has he given you any explanation about this? We're only trying to read through the frequency and reactions, but if there are discussions, criticisms, or maybe even private details about you in the content, things could go in a different direction. We need to look into whether your partner has set a boundary here.

The way your partner perceives this equation is just as important as the actual intention behind your mother's messages. For example, when you say to your partner, "I find it strange that you’re texting so much," do they get defensive, or do they try to understand? If there's an active "taking sides" situation, we need to see what comes out of that.

Let me ask this as well: does your partner seem to be able to look at the relationship between you and their mother from the outside? In other words, are they someone who says, "I won't get caught in the middle, you both sort it out," or are they unconsciously siding with their mother? Because sometimes, rather than the emotional aspect, the power dynamic dictates the atmosphere in these kinds of conversations.

On a different note, have you ever heard your partner's own comments about the excessiveness of these messages? I mean, has they ever said something like, "My mom sometimes overreacts" on their own, without you asking? If they have some self-awareness, they might be inclined to address the issue, but if they show no signs of discomfort at all, then this might be a deeper problem.

We should also consider this: could your mother’s frequent messaging be a form of "control"? In other words, she might want to feel secure by being constantly informed about the relationship. Your partner, without realizing it, might be providing her this comfort while giving you this discomfort. In this case, the solution would be to focus on this habit rather than the messaging.

Let me ask you this: How much does your partner share the content of these messages with you? I mean, it might be at a point where you only notice the frequency, but the content is completely like a closed box. Is there transparency between you two, or is it unintentionally making the situation more "private"?

Your partner may not be defending the frequency or content of your conversations, but even if they do nothing, they are passively giving their approval. Are they doing this knowingly, or just because they don't want to deal with it? Both are problems, but one can be fixed, while the other is difficult.

Maybe we are thinking about her discomfort regarding her mother's correspondence, but she has a bigger problem with not being able to escape her boyfriend's mother’s control. Is she providing the same ease to her mother in other matters in her life, not just through communication? Is this a general dependency or really just a "weird habit?"

I think the energy your partner gives to this is just as critical as the reason for your mother's messages. If they're constantly responding or actively continuing this dialogue, the issue moves beyond "mom is writing." Is the rhythm of the messaging a habit, or is your partner consciously controlling the content and frequency? Did you notice this distinction?

Have you ever thought about this: Could it be that your mother is discussing something about you in her conversations with your partner that you aren't even aware of? Directly related topics about you, or a need for "control" in your name? Sometimes, this intense interaction is not just about the person themselves, but also about probing the environment around that person.

In all this correspondence, I think there's definitely a "I'm here" message. But the question is, does this message only come from the mother-in-law, or is your partner also quietly contributing to this balance? Ask directly to your partner to think about how this correspondence shapes the space around them. The true face will emerge there.

Apart from the length and frequency of these messages, have you ever noticed the times your mother writes to your partner? If they’re late at night or at odd hours, it may be worth questioning what’s normal here. Because it’s not just about the content or the rhythm; the timing also reflects that perception of "boundaries."

If your mother messaging your partner crosses a certain line, your partner may be passively tolerating it, even if they find it uncomfortable. So, have you ever directly asked your partner, "This issue bothers me; why do you think this conversation continues like this?" Because the matter isn't about digging into the content, but rather clarifying where your partner stands in this "balance."

The main issue here might be to ask why your mother has established such a direct connection with your partner. In other words, usually you are the intermediary, but that barrier seems to have been crossed. Maybe it’s not your partner but your mother who prefers to cut you out? Have you questioned why your partner is allowing this?

If such a closeness between lovers arises under natural conditions, shouldn’t your partner reassess this closeness after noticing that you’re uncomfortable? If it’s you who is feeling uncomfortable while your partner is in a position of ‘there’s no problem here,’ then that indicates a bigger issue. It’s not about choosing sides here, but rather how both parties reconcile is what matters. Have you ever thought about this?

Is there a question about whether something related to you is being discussed during your mother's conversations with your partner? But let's flip this around: Could these conversations be a complete bypass of your existence? Is there a vibe of a "bilateral agreement" that excludes you from the equation, have you noticed that?