My mother-in-law is messaging my girlfriend on WhatsApp

Take a look at how often your name comes up when your mom writes to her partner. If there are direct references to you, it might mean your mom is using you as a means of communication. If the tone is completely independent, this may indicate signs of leaving you out. Both are signals.

Pay attention to whether your mother treats your partner as "one of the family" when writing to him. Some mothers take the person in the relationship too much into their sphere, making them see it as part of their control area. These correspondences may carry not just communication but also a sense of "putting in place".

If your mother is having these conversations under the name of "sincerity," she may want to take control of the emotional connection between you and your partner. Because in some cases, these intense discussions can turn into an effort to establish a kind of power balance. Question not only your partner's stance in this communication but also what your mother is trying to gain from these exchanges.

But hasn't your girlfriend ever talked to you about this? I mean, normally, with so much communication between you and your mother, shouldn't she at least ask, "Does this situation bother you?" The sense of boundaries of your girlfriend is as strange as your mother's.

If your mother can communicate so easily with your partner now, did your partner at some point make your position look weak? I mean, did they give off a vibe like "What can she say, she is my mother after all"? Or has your mother always done things her own way? The dynamic between the two of them is important because if your partner is passive, the issue doesn't just end with your mother.

So, have you ever witnessed these kinds of exchanges? If your mom is writing while looking you in the face, she might be trying to assert some sort of power. Or is she writing secretly? Because the two are different tactics.

We need to clarify the tone and the content of these messages a bit more. I mean, does your mom always write about everyday, ordinary things, or does she occasionally make comments, give advice, or imply something about your relationship? Because it's not just the frequency; the content can also disrupt the balance.

As much as what the mother writes to her daughter's partner, the length and tone of the partner's responses to the mother are also important. Are they simply giving polite, short replies, or are they keeping the conversation going? Is the mother taking her desired space from the partner, or is the partner willingly opening up this space? There is a difference here.

But why is your mother chatting with your girlfriend on WhatsApp? I mean, this is an issue that should be talked about directly... What could they possibly have to discuss? Should this situation be so ordinary?

It seems a bit too normalized that your mother is communicating so casually with your girlfriend. But how much of a willing participant your girlfriend is in these exchanges is also a question mark. Maybe at first, she left the door wide open to get along well with your mother, and now she might be hesitant to pull back? Is she the kind of person who avoids saying something like "Your mother is coming on so strong"?

I think your mother may feel that she is not only representing herself in these communications, but also you. If she has taken on a mission like "I am introducing you with my words," she might derive strength from that. It won't be resolved without understanding what kind of message she is actually conveying to your partner through these communications.

Could your ex be using you as a background topic while chatting with your current girlfriend? I mean, things like "My son does this, he likes that" could serve both as guidance for your girlfriend and an attempt to assert his own authority. If he also brings up issues not directly related to you, it seems like it's turned into a bit of a control game, not just communication.

The timing of conversations can be an indicator of oddness, just as much as their content. Are they writing even late at night, for example? Because this takes the level to a more personal dimension. Is there also something reflected from your mother, like "We talked to your partner and they said this"? You can get clues from there.

How does your partner involve you in these conversations while getting close to your mom? Do they include you at all? Or do they behave completely like two separate parties? Because if you are left out of the equation, that’s where the real problem starts.

It seems like there is a boundary problem between your mother and your partner here. Your mother may be trying to establish authority, but if your partner is allowing that, that's a separate issue. Instead of getting stuck between the two, ask your partner clearly, "Are these messages tiring you? Do you find them strange?" because they might not even realize their own discomfort.

So let me ask you something: Does your mother see communicating with your partner as more "efficient" than communicating with you? In other words, could this need for frequent messaging stem from a connection she somehow can't establish with you? Sometimes, in these kinds of situations, a mother is actually trying to control her child indirectly.

When it comes to messaging your partner, it's also important whether your mother has sought your approval on this matter. If these communications become normalized while your position is completely excluded, that might be the real issue. As they establish a connection, where do you stand in this relationship?

Is your mother really just being "well-intentioned" in this communication, or is there an effort to pull your partner to her side? Because sometimes this situation can carry a message like, "Look, I manage him/her too." How spontaneous or how much out of obligation your partner engages in these exchanges is, I believe, the crucial point here.

The mother may possibly see messaging your girlfriend as a "middle ground." Could she be communicating things to your girlfriend that she can't say directly to you? In other words, it seems like instead of being about your girlfriend, another way has been created to reach you. Are these messages a way to evade you?

It felt to me like your mother is trying to involve herself in your life through her correspondence with your girlfriend. In other words, she might be circumventing a topic she can't directly bring up or discuss with you. Has this manifested in other ways before? It doesn't seem limited to just the WhatsApp issue.

Is your partner trying to limit your mother's requests or interest in these communications? Because if they are just passively going along the lines of "a message came, I replied," then that's also a problem. It might be opening the door to other dynamics.

What is the main motivation behind your mother chatting with your girlfriend? Right now, everyone is making guesses without fully understanding. Do you have the courage to directly ask your mom, "Why are you putting me in the background?" Because I think the issue isn't their bond, but your indifference to that bond.

What about how much your partner shares these conversations with you? I mean, are they transparent regarding the content? Because even if there’s nothing being hidden from you, the normalization of this situation might be leaving you out.

I want to say something: It's one thing for your mother to communicate with your partner, but how much is your partner experiencing this situation as their own choice? Have they found some comfort in maintaining that relationship, or are they acting entirely based on your mother's guidance? Because in this case, your partner's position is quite decisive.

You need to understand whether your partner is genuinely comfortable in those conversations, or if they have a "let me take it easy for my mom’s intensity" attitude. If it's the latter, then the balance in this relationship is definitely off. I think you should sit down with your partner and ask, "Where do you stand in this communication?"

Your mother-in-law's messaging with your partner aside, it's very important to understand the kind of "role" your partner is playing in this communication. For example, are they acting like a "coordinator" who makes things easier for your mother, or have they created a channel based entirely on their own preferences? Because at some point, this relationship may have turned into a habit outside of you—are you ready for that?

If your partner is continuing to correspond with your mother "reluctantly," the question to ask now is: Why do they feel such a sense of obligation? In other words, if they're maintaining a situation that bothers you and framing it as a "necessity," who is setting their boundaries? It doesn't seem healthy for them to be so passive.

You also have to consider this: If your partner stopped communicating with your mother but maintained the connection in another way, like making calls in between, would you experience the same discomfort? So, is the real issue the communication itself or the fact that this communication sidelines you? Because the solution will vary depending on the source of that discomfort.

Assess how much of the content of the messages leans towards "work" and how much towards a "genuine" place. I mean, having casual conversations is one thing, but cooking up decisions about you is another. Because if the work is heading that way, this communication could create a shift in power.

If your partner is messaging their ex this frequently, it's worth considering: Could this communication be an attempt to connect in your place? In other words, is there a situation where if you've been taking a more "passive" role, your absence is being filled by them? As long as you ignore this, the balance in the relationship might deteriorate even further.

Could your partner sometimes say things that criticize you while chatting? Because in such intense communication, there's a high risk of those kinds of things coming up. If that's the case, it means the relationship is somewhat shaped through three people. I suggest you check on that too.

Why is your mother maintaining such communication, what is your partner's own preference regarding this, these have been discussed. But how do your mother and partner perceive your position while establishing this relationship? In other words, how much is your voice protected in a context where they feel comfortable? Is this relationship a three-way balance, or does one side dominate? It will be difficult to find a solution without determining this.

Is your partner complaining about this situation, or is it completely normal for them? Because if they are corresponding with your mother this much, they either don't see it as a problem or they might not know how to express an issue they have with you. Both indicate another underlying issue.

Also, think about your mother's general nature. Is this behavior of getting involved in someone else's life a habit or is she doing this for the first time? If this is how she usually is, and your partner has accepted it, she might do the same in other matters tomorrow as well. Will you be able to say "stop"?

Is your partner sharing the content of these conversations with you, or is it a completely closed dialogue? Because if it's closed, it's inevitable that it creates insecurity for you. On the one hand, does this situation indicate your partner's private space, or is it a sign of your mother overstepping boundaries? Clarify this first.

So what will you do if your partner defends this situation or starts to defend it? Your mother’s attitude is one thing, but is your partner maintaining the balance on your side or are they more open to communication? If either of them doesn’t recognize the boundaries, the situation will drag on.

If your partner is establishing a bond like this with your mother, you might want to ask: As this relationship strengthens over time, does it exclude you? In other words, if a dynamic between your mother and partner forms that can operate without you, the same could happen in larger decisions later on. For example, they might resolve matters directly between them rather than consulting you. Are you ready for this situation?

If they're communicating this much, could your mom be trying to pull your girlfriend to her side? You know, if you'll need to take a side on something in the future, she might want to establish a foundation with something like "we already talked about this". Check how they behave separately and how they interact with each other.

Regardless of what your mother's intentions are, if your partner can't directly draw that connection between you two, it seems like the main issue is there. I mean, it's one thing for your mother to write about it, and another for your partner to create space for that. Do you think your partner is displaying a stance that matches the weight of your relationship?

If your mother writes like this, and your partner responds to it, let's assume that both are comfortable in their communication. But what is the tone of these messages, and what is the content? Are they having casual chit-chat, or are they discussing something related to you? Because this is where the situation changes. Without knowing these things, what exactly are we debating right now?

One should look more at how the partner is affected by these messages rather than the mother's intentions. Is the partner someone who struggles to manage the relationship on their own, or are they just showing a courtesy? The partner's stance in this dynamic reveals much more.

It's also an important question why the mother feels the need to communicate with your partner through such a channel. So, the intention may not necessarily be manipulative, but could she be sensing a void and trying to fill it? For instance, could she think she is completing something she perceives as missing in you?

Stop the conversation between your girlfriend and your mother; isn't it strange that your mother can reach out to your girlfriend so easily? I mean, if the communication between you and your girlfriend is strong enough and you can set boundaries with your mother, why would there be such a "channel"? Is there a vulnerability in the relationship dynamic, or are you perhaps too lenient with your mother?

Has your partner ever talked to you about these messages? I mean, your mother is messaging, and they are replying, but have they said anything to you about this cycle? I think what matters is whether there’s any transparency towards you behind the scenes. Because if they are keeping this hidden, regardless of their intentions, it can lead to problems.

But here, it's one thing for your mom to write, and another for your girlfriend to respond and "spend time" on this interaction. So, if your girlfriend is feeding off these messages, and if a genuine bond is being established between them... It's not just about your mom's intentions, but also related to your girlfriend's choices. Do you think she might actually enjoy this situation a bit?

"Your mom might see you as lacking, and your girlfriend probably likes that too," you say, but it's still not clear how much your girlfriend is communicating or how insistent your mom is. Has your girlfriend ever brought up the topic with you because she felt uncomfortable? Or is she just answering to avoid stretching the issue? We skip this part.

Have you ever thought about discussing this correspondence with your mother? I mean, you’re pushing your partner, analyzing the deficiencies in the relationship, but it seems like no one ever asks what your mother has to say. You should uncover what’s on her mind.

You know what your mother wrote, but you're portraying it as if you haven't seen what your girlfriend wrote. Have you considered directly asking for your girlfriend's phone to take a look? If she's not willing to do that, then there's already a problem. If she says you can look, examine what she wrote carefully and decide accordingly.

You're going so far as to check your partner's phone, but I think the critical aspect is the volume and tone of communication between your partner and your mother. Is it just two or three greetings, or is it daily communication? Also, if your mother is indirectly criticizing you and drawing your partner to her side, the response of your partner to that is important too. For instance, do they defend you, or do they just brush it off? I believe this can be resolved not by checking the phone, but by looking at your partner's stance directly.

When did these messages begin, who initiated them, and were you informed at the outset? Because regardless of the dynamics, the original intent and the way information was shared can explain the nature of the current situation. If there was something hidden from you from the beginning, that's where the trouble starts.

At the beginning, no one set a boundary, so these correspondences seem to have been left to their natural flow. For example, is your mother writing just to gather information, or is she trying to establish a connection regarding your significant other? If this communication is outside of you and everyone except you is comfortable, the issue may be more deep-rooted.

Why is Anne choosing to communicate directly with your partner instead of you to get information about him? You are the main axis of the relationship; is she actually demonstrating her authority over you by reaching out to your partner? I think this is more critical than the frequency of communication.

Does your partner express their expectations clearly? Or is there a more indirect, suggestive tone in the messages? Because in indirect communication, a bond can form that is shaped by your partner's perception, creating a communication that unfolds outside your control.

If your partner isn't bothered by this conversation or isn't showing you that they are, maybe they don't see the messages between you as critically as you do. They might think they can solve it on their own. But the weird thing is, if they know you're clearly uncomfortable with it and still continue at the same pace, it means they're damaging the bond between you. Instead of treating this situation like a test and acting accordingly, have you thought about directly telling your partner how uncomfortable you are? You'll see what they defend and what they brush off will become clearer.

I think the main focus here is how willing your partner is regarding these communications. Your mother may have initiated it, but if your partner is choosing to continue this communication instead of cutting it short, it's not just your mother's choice, but theirs as well. If these exchanges didn't happen, would they have communicated with your mother in other ways or would it be a completely severed connection? Does your partner have an issue with saying "no" to their mother, or are they not bothered by it? This needs to be clarified.

Is the mother's correspondence with her lover done secretly or openly? In other words, do you learn about these messages when you show them, or are they deliberately kept out in the open for someone to notice? Because if they're not being hidden, it seems more like a forced comfort than a power play.

I think you should really question the reason behind your mother’s trust in your partner. There’s a breaking point where she sees it as so natural to communicate directly with your partner instead of passing through you. Without figuring out whether the bond between them is shaped by you or by the expectations your mother has placed on your partner, you won’t be able to understand the foundation of this situation.

Could it be that your mother is sending a message not only to your girlfriend but also to you indirectly in these communications? Perhaps the communication she has with your girlfriend is filling a void in her relationship with you or trying to establish control. Her feeling entitled to reach out to your girlfriend so easily may indicate some confusion about where her boundaries with you begin. Have you ever thought about this?

Let's say she's skipping you to reach your girlfriend, but why is your girlfriend quietly accepting this role? If she's leaving the door open for messaging, it means there's a part of her that's also pleased with this. It's your job to remove your girlfriend from being the "mediator" in this equation.

Is there something like a "mother-lover solidarity" in play, or is it completely individual communication? Because if your mother is talking to your partner while sidelining you, it’s not just control, it might also indicate a deeper trust issue. It could be a tactic where your mother is managing you externally, and it’s strange if your partner takes that on in your place.

And so, how does your partner's failure to set boundaries against your mother in these messages affect the relationship they have with you? I mean, if we say that this is entirely a matter of your mother's attempt to control, where do we place your partner's passivity? It seems that in this equation, your partner is just as much a determining factor as your mother, yet they’re being overlooked subtly.

What the mother discusses in the messages is actually important. Is it casual conversation, something about the relationship, or is it an entirely different agenda? Because the content can provide clues about the boyfriend's stance and the mother's intentions.

You also need to consider this: Is it more disturbing for you that your mother is writing to your boyfriend than the fact that your boyfriend is responding directly to your mother? Is your discomfort focused on the dynamic of your relationship, or is it intensifying in a situation that feels like a competition between you and your mother? Because each of those could require different solutions.

If your partner is communicating directly with your ex instead of through you, it seems like they are somewhat disregarding your presence. But what I'm stuck on is this: Does someone who communicates so "freely" think you won't notice it, or are they doing it deliberately in front of you? Because there is a difference in intention between the two.

The issue isn't your mother chatting with your boyfriend, but how much your boyfriend allows this situation. Besides the content of the messages, how does this triangle create a dynamic in your relationship? Does your boyfriend clearly explain this situation to you, or does he act like he's trying to keep a balance as well? Because some people unconsciously accept this kind of "mediator" role.

Do you know how often these communications happen? Is it just an occasional greeting, or is it more regular communication? Because if it's become a habit, it's even more questionable for your mom to do it without sharing it with you. Does your partner see this as "normal," or are they even unaware of it until you bring it up?

Is your partner telling you about the contents of these messages, or did you find out somehow and feel uncomfortable? Because if your partner chose to keep things secret instead of explaining the situation, this could turn into a matter of trust or taking sides within the relationship. Is there open communication between you, or is everyone just looking at it from their own perspective?

A mother's correspondence with her partner is one thing, but what happens when you bring up this situation? Because the real issue might not be the correspondence itself, but how these two parties respond to your sensitivity when you intervene. If there's a situation where they become defensive or indifferent, I think you should question that.

It's one thing for your mother to exclude you while chatting with your girlfriend, but isn't it also a bit strange that your girlfriend normalizes this situation? Because the fact that your girlfriend isn't bothered by this conversation or doesn't inform you seems to send a message to your mother like "it's fine, you can continue." Why has she taken on such a "mediator" role? I think you should examine this a little.

If your mother has become accustomed to corresponding with your partner, could it be that a similar situation occurred in the past between your mother and her ex-partners? If this is a way she has established as a means of control, it seems important to look into why she feels such a need rather than focusing solely on your partner. Maybe your partner is experiencing this situation for the first time and doesn’t know how to set boundaries with your mother.

Before trying to understand if there is a boundary violation between your mother and your partner, you need to figure out what your mother wants to do with the content of her messages. In other words, is she just trying to establish some "closeness" or is there something in the content of these conversations that interferes with you? If your mother is constantly communicating opinions or guidance regarding your relationship, that is the main issue.

Let's say we've understood how much and in what way your mother is communicating with your partner, but I think where and when these communications take place is also important. For example, does it happen while spending time with you, or does it squeeze in while something is being discussed? Or is it a completely separate communication that takes place in a different timeframe, where you're not involved at all? Because the physical/contextual environment also makes this "dynamic" clearer.

Is there a situation in the content of these messages where your mother is communicating something about you to your partner or gathering information from your partner? Or is it completely an independent conversation? Because if the matter has shifted from "communication" to the dimension of "information flow," then your main interlocutor becomes your mother, not your partner.

But the mother's intentions and how the partner makes space for this are completely different issues. The mother might try to get closer, be controlling, etc., but why is the partner's "okay" not questioned? Both are adults; is it mandatory to respond just because the mother texted?

Forget the part about why your girlfriend is responding to your mother's messages; why does your mother feel the need to communicate with your girlfriend? Is this communication for fun, or is it about resolving an issue or trying to reach you? If the motivation isn't clear, boundaries may be getting blurred on both sides.

But wouldn't it be more effective instead of questioning your mother's "needs" regarding your partner, to directly express your discomfort by highlighting this dynamic? The motivations being questioned are one aspect of the situation; how you manage your reactions to this circumstance is another aspect. Do you really think that constantly examining the third link will yield results?

The critical point here is the power dynamics that emerge when your mother communicates with your partner. In other words, do these conversations end up determining whose words are more influential? For example, if your mother says something and your partner directly translates that into action, then it means you have already been removed from the equation.

But doesn't the issue of power dynamics seem a bit speculative? I mean, this is a correspondence, it doesn't always need to lead to a manipulative conclusion. I think you should ask a simple question: "Why are you corresponding?" Before blowing the matter up, you can get a clear answer.

It's worth checking if there are any details in these messages that concern you. For example, is a decision being made on something that involves you, or is something happening behind your back? Or is it just trivial chatter? If someone has overstepped a boundary, it might cause problems later on, if not now, so clarify it.

Sure, but isn't your mother chatting with your girlfriend a boundary issue in itself? Dismissing the content as "empty talk" would downplay potential complications that could arise later on. Why is this situation considered normal from the beginning?

You say that your mother chatting with your partner is a boundary issue in itself, but is every boundary violation of the same severity? If the content of the conversation is completely independent and harmless, is it really worth escalating it this much? Or is the issue only arising because the very fact of the conversation bothers you? It's important to clarify this distinction.

So does your mom tell you about the communications? Or is this communication happening completely outside of you? Because if there's confidentiality in the matter, no matter how harmless it seems between them, it can create the impression that they're hiding something from you. And that can erode trust.

Even if the content of the communications is harmless, why does your mom prefer to communicate with your partner instead of directly with you? Under what circumstances is there a need to bypass the intermediary so casually? If this becomes a habit, it creates a dynamic where you seem to be out of the loop.

It seems to me that you've lost the balance between you and your mother. Did your partner act as a go-between, or is she speaking on her own? Put those aside. Your mother has actually intruded into your space here; does it seem like she's expecting you to give a "go ahead" for those messages from the start?

So, does your mom talk about you while messaging your partner, or are you completely out of the conversation? Because if the issue isn't just the messaging but the content indirectly excludes you, that's a big problem. Also, does your partner see this situation as normal?

If they've been communicating for a long time, when did this communication start, and who initiated it? Could it be a situation where one person deliberately gave space to the other? Because sometimes in such situations, one side can be more eager, and the other side lets it happen, but I'm not sure if they're aware of that.

The main question here is: how does your mother's direct communication with your partner affect the dynamics of your relationship? Let's say it's a completely harmless conversation, but if this habit encourages your partner to discuss certain things about you with your mother, then a shift has begun. Is a foundation being laid for sharing things that need to be resolved with you with others? I suggest focusing on that.

Isn't your partner uncomfortable with this situation? Because normally, if someone started regularly chatting with your mother behind your back, it would seem a bit off. Either your mother's approach is too familiar, or your partner is very easygoing; one of these seems strange.

Perhaps more critical than the content of the correspondence is the mother's need to establish such a relationship practice. Why does she want to have such a direct bond with your partner? Is it her intention to completely leave you out of the picture, or does she seek to create something with your partner that she couldn't establish with you? This needs to be understood.

How your partner approaches messaging with your mother is also important. If they are completely passive, saying "they're writing to me, and I'm just replying," that’s a different issue. But if they are actively maintaining this communication, perhaps even initiating it, it indicates a deeper situation. A bond is being formed between the two, so focus on how this affects you.

It's important to understand your mother's motivation for messaging your boyfriend, but I think your boyfriend's approach is more critical. Is there a passiveness like "He messaged me, so I replied," or is he enjoying these exchanges and perhaps thinking that he's establishing a special bond? Because this situation would create a disturbance not through their relationship, but in the dynamics with you. Where does your boyfriend stand now? Have you had an open conversation about it?

Did your mother only establish such a relationship with this boyfriend of yours, or did she have a similar habit in her previous relationships or with other people as well? Because if this is a first, it could mean that the situation is entirely related to your boyfriend. If it’s more of a habit, then it suggests that your boundaries have been overlooked before.

If a humorous and fun bond has developed between your partner and your mother in these messages, and it has evolved into a dynamic that excludes you, it could be a riskier situation. In other words, could this be turning into a feeling of partnership rather than just a "conversation"? If that's the case, you also need to clarify whether there are things being decided between them without discussing it with you.

Is your mother's intention to connect with your partner, or to learn about you through them? Because some mothers choose this path to make the relationship 'manageable'. Here, it is important to understand not only how involved your partner is but also what your mother aims to achieve with this communication.

Now we need to delve into why your mother is communicating with your partner like this, but hasn't your partner reflected this situation back to you at all? I mean, it seems like they continue so comfortably that they could leave you out of it; have you thought about what this adds for them? If they haven't said a clear "I'm uncomfortable," these messages might hold some significance for them as well.

In the communication your mother has with your girlfriend, is there any interaction beyond messaging? For example, are there moments in conversations where the parties seem to look out for each other privately, creating a sense of unity towards you? Because if it's not just about exchanging messages, there may be a tangible front forming between them.

Did your partner not foresee that these messages would bother you at all, or is he deliberately staying silent? Try to understand. Because "he writes to me, I reply" is a passive situation, but if those messages have turned into a connection that affects you, your partner needs to take a bit of initiative. It's not his responsibility to fix the dynamics with your mother, but it's also strange for him to ignore something that disturbs you so much.

What does your mom write to your girlfriend, what's the tone? For example, is it all about cuteness, or are serious topics discussed? Sometimes moms assess "what kind of person" someone is, and sometimes they draw from their own stories. It's tough to make a move without understanding the content.

Consider the frequency of the messages as well as their tone. If they write daily or even frequently, that connection may really be grounded on something independent of you. However, if it's occasional and for something specific, then maybe you are overthinking it here. Which one is it?

So are you completely uninvolved in these conversations? Is there serious "privacy" at play, or is it just casual chatter that bothers you to a certain extent? If it's something you haven't seen, the issue becomes clearer because the hidden thing always raises suspicion.