I can’t help but see myself as an endless social media detective. I can’t stop myself from checking out the people my partner follows. I’m always trying to find something, but I also wonder if it’s wrong to do this. Am I being jealous or is there something wrong with my need for control? Can you give me some advice on how to overcome this situation?
The way to overcome this starts with directly changing your own habits. For example, to stop the habit of checking your partner’s Instagram or something else, try leaving your phone in another room for a while. Keep track of how many times you do this each day and gradually reduce it. Otherwise, you won’t be able to break this cycle; in therapy, this is referred to as behavior control.
I’ve experienced this control issue too. The worst part is messing around with it before going to bed at night; it really makes you paranoid the more you dwell on it. Is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning checking your phone? If that’s the case, start by not checking it first thing in the morning with the phone you set your alarm on. It’s a small step, but it helps clear your mind.
Well, I think this is entirely a trust issue. What caused you to be so suspicious of your partner? If something is making you feel this way, talk about it; otherwise, it’s just your excessive obsession. If this goes on, you’ll suffocate the relationship. First, ask yourself this: Do you trust him/her?
Jealousy and obsessive control are actually separate things, but in your story, they seem intertwined. To resolve this, first focus on the question ‘why am I constantly trying to find something?’ If there is a past trauma or infidelity that triggers you, it could be a reflection of that. Therapy can be very helpful here. You can outline a clear path with a professional.
Update: A few of my friends say it’s jealousy, but it doesn’t seem that simple to me. It’s not just because he’s following only women; I examine every post. As soon as he opens a profile, it immediately catches my eye. Is my feeling of being so out of control pointing to something deeper?
My partner once said to me, “Why are you messing with this so much? It’s not normal.” They were right, I realized later. At that moment, I thought to myself: Should I ask if I can go through their phone when we meet? No. So what’s the difference if I check their social media?
If your partner’s behavior is clear, obvious, and doesn’t raise any doubts, then it seems like you’ve really blown the control issue out of proportion. If we start monitoring who people follow on social media to this extent, everyone would go crazy. This is your negative habit, not related to your partner.