My aunt heard about this situation, we are embarrassed

I experienced something similar; I found out they were still friends with their ex on social media. But eventually, it didn't escalate anywhere else, I misunderstood. Still, it's something that sticks in your mind.

If I say "my spouse" and they are still dealing with an ex-relationship, they should sit down and think about it, in my opinion. Marriage requires privacy; you can't just be friends with everyone.

@kahvebitmeden you're being too dramatic. I mean, just being friends aside, the guy might not even be aware. It's odd to put so much value on a social media notification.

I think you should ask it like this: why did you become friends? I mean, show that you’re genuinely curious; you can’t solve this in your head any other way.

Did he add a friend, or has he been added? Have you noticed something like this before? 😬

@pazardandondum I actually didn't notice it for the first time, but this time it was triggered a bit when I saw in the notification that it was his ex. The previous ones were general friends.

@aklimkaldi and since this has happened before, why didn't you react? If you keep giving tolerance like this, it's just going to get worse.

speak clearly.

don't set up and grow within itself. ask, but talk without exaggerating the response. either you misunderstood or there really isn't any malice. it's resolved in two sentences 🙄

Why are you speaking so definitively when you say "either you've misunderstood or there's no ill intent"? Maybe there's a third option: indifference. Do you think it's better if his ex has been added and he's not even aware of it?

If they aren't even aware of it, that's already a problem in itself. If they automatically add friends like that, it shows a lack of attention, a carelessness. They could also be asked: "How aware are you of who you are friends with?"

There's also this: if he knows who his ex-girlfriend is and adds her again, he might be trying to deliberately "normalize" it. Is he perhaps trying to assert his position by saying, "There's nothing wrong with this"? You can ask from this perspective as well.

But it's also something to talk about that you feel this as a "trigger" just because a friend has added him. Are you worried about him having a normal relationship with his ex, or is it his behavior in general that bothers you? You need to clarify this so you can address the issue from the right perspective.

Why not ask about the limits of establishing a "normal relationship"? I mean, being friends with an ex, adding each other, exchanging greetings... How "normal" is that? Is your definition of normal the same as theirs? It's tough to find a solution without clarifying that 🤦‍♀️

If your normal is not the same as theirs, it means that a common ground cannot be found. Forget the debate of "are you aware or not" and just ask this: "Does this bother you, will you fix it?" Let's see what they do. Their actions reveal their intentions.

Well, if they disturb you and say "can you fix this", let’s say they fixed it. But what will happen if they do something else they're not aware of or don’t care about? Are you going to tell them one by one every time? The main issue here is not the action but a general awareness/priority problem. You need to discuss this.

Isn't it a bit reductionist to reduce everything to a "attention/priority problem"? Maybe it's a boundary issue. I mean, is it "not being able to predict that it would be disturbing" or "not caring about it"? The two are different things. We need to clarify that 🤔

There is a possibility like this: The person they added might be an ex, but they could see that relationship as something completely "over." In other words, if they don’t attach any emotional significance to this connection in their mind and find it strange that you do? You might need to discuss this as well.

The idea that exes are considered "over" is a nice assumption, but the issue here is still action. If, among all the options, they keep adding their ex back in, how much can you believe in this "overness"? Even if they think it's done in their head, their behavior doesn't seem to support that. Just talking isn't enough; I would say evaluate based on their actions.

You say adding an ex is a "move," but the real critical question here is: What is the purpose of this move? Is it really indifference, or is it something done completely unconsciously? Because there's a serious difference between the two; one is a direct attitude problem, the other is a lack of communication.

I think the outcome is much more important than the intention. Whether they were aware of it or not, whether their intentions were good or bad... These are debatable, but how did you feel? Do you think this action crosses a line? If so, it requires a solution independent of the intent statement.

But what do we mean by solution, for example? Is it about erasing an ex and closing the chapter, or understanding the underlying reasons for this behavior? Just fixing the action isn't enough; the same mindset will lead to other boundary issues. These are usually not one-time issues.

But what if adding the ex is commonplace for them, while it’s a big deal for you? I mean, what if the conflict here stems entirely from different levels of perception? The solution lies in both parties being able to balance this perception. Can you be convinced? Perhaps that’s the real question.

I want to ask you something: Did you really want to find out the reason for adding the ex? I mean, when you sit down and say, "Why did you do this?" will you be satisfied with the answer they give? Because sometimes people lose sight of the main issue while trying to defend what they feel and the actions taken rather than what was said.

Have you thought about this: even if adding the ex might be ordinary for them, not being able to foresee that "you might feel uncomfortable" is already a problem? So the issue is not about the magnitude of the action, but rather that it shows you are not trying to understand the other person. This seems to be overlooked.

In addition to adding the ex, did they try to hide it, or was it done openly? Because if there was an attempt to hide it, a different intention comes into play, but if it’s open and it still gives the impression that they don’t care about your discomfort, this points to a bigger issue. Is there a "lack of consideration" at play, or is it indifference?

Is it a lack of calculation or just carelessness? Alright then... I think the main issue is how important intention really is. If the person in front of you doesn't step back even after you feel uncomfortable, does good intention hold any meaning? In fact, sometimes the "order of priorities" says more than intention itself.

You said "priority ranking" but that’s actually connected to intent. If adding the ex is something ordinary for him, then the priority ranking here is already clear: He doesn’t care whether you’re upset or not. The problem isn’t just the action, it’s the mindset itself. Does it even make sense to talk about "intent" after seeing this?

Even if adding an ex-partner is something ordinary, why couldn't they share that ordinariness with you? I mean, if it's that normal, they would have just come and said "I added this" from the start; it wouldn't even have been an issue. Here, it's not about intention, but transparency. That part is missing 🙂

You say there's a lack of transparency, but sometimes people really don't consider that what they're doing could be an issue. What if they didn't feel the need to explain it because it seemed like "something ordinary"? It's strange, but not everyone gets hung up on the same details. We can't clarify this without discussing it.

Perhaps the issue is not so much about discussing whether the movement is ordinary, but rather understanding why this matter is so important to you. Yes, not everyone gets caught up in the same details, but a relationship flourishes with the ability to manage these "different detail issues." Is there an effort here to "understand you"? That's what really needs to be looked at.

I think it's more meaningful to ask "why now" rather than "why did they add it." They didn't add it before, but they've done it at this exact moment; there might be something that triggered this. The issue of ordinariness also kind of falls apart here 🤷‍♀️

Okay, but instead of asking "why now," it might make more sense to ask, "why at such a vulnerable moment." For example, if there’s tension between you and someone else, or if you’re in a sensitive phase of your relationship, an action taken without regard for that will make you think extra hard. Is this timing a coincidence, or is it some kind of power play?