While having tea with my spouse one evening, I noticed that they were watching a porn movie in our room. A voice inside me suggested that they were keeping this situation hidden and had not told me about it. My spouse says that in some situations, we prefer to watch together rather than alone, but I still have a doubt inside me. Should I consider this normal? Should I go consult a doctor, or is this kind of exchange just a typical issue?
150 Answers
150it’s really a strange situation 
Is this kind of thing normal?
it happened to me too, being a bit straightforward might be helpful.
My wife and I sometimes watch it too, but we choose together; it feels strange to hear that she watches it alone.
I think the important thing is communication; if both of you talk about this topic, you can resolve it.
Now he’s watching alone, and I thought maybe he would get used to it and move on to different things. Did you ever ask why he watches alone? Because it seemed a bit strange that he said “rather than watching together.”
I think the main issue is this: Is he being honest with you or not? I mean, beyond just the watching thing, why is he doing it secretly? If he has a habit of hiding things, that’s a bigger problem.
Think about why they’re watching secretly: are they afraid of hurting you, scared of your reaction, or do they just enjoy it? Each is actually a separate issue. Have you asked them directly?
I think while pondering the “why is she watching secretly” part, we should also look at your stance on this issue. Have you watched together before, did you talk about whether to watch it, or what kind of boundaries were set between you two? Maybe she can’t predict how you will react.
But wait a minute, isn’t it weird to get caught while watching secretly? For example, do you know how long they’ve been watching this? Maybe it’s not something new, you just found out about it recently. Can we make any sense out of that?
Even if it has just started, it still feels strange to me that it was done in secret. I mean, the intention may not be bad, but do you think it’s normal not to share something like this in a relationship? Is there a boundary, or is it just complete lack of communication?
I think assuming that there’s necessarily a big problem or an issue with storage behind watching alone is a quick assumption. It might actually be related to a completely personal need for space. Before pondering whether this is right or wrong, it’s necessary to clarify whether such a thing fits into your relationship dynamics.
So you say “personal space”, but is personal space watching porn? That’s an interesting defense. If there are so many “individual space” enthusiasts, shouldn’t they clearly discuss the boundaries of their relationship? Or why are you doing something secretly with your spouse? It feels distant from honesty to me.
But we need to be clear about honesty: Did they tell you at the beginning that they had such a habit? Or did you just notice it recently? If they shared it from the start, then this part about privacy might not be related to you; it could be a completely personal habit. If they didn’t share it at the beginning, then it makes more sense to ask why they’re hiding something.
So, aside from secretly watching, have you thought about whether there are other red flags in communication? I mean, how is your overall habit of sharing and talking about things? Sometimes a single behavior can indicate a larger issue.
Let me tell you something: I think the issue isn’t just about “secret surveillance”; it’s also a problem that you’re completely unaware of it until you get caught. Are there other things in the relationship that you can’t track this much, or are there other “private spaces” being created that you haven’t noticed? Is this a single situation, or does it point to a larger pattern?
There’s so much defense going on, but the real question is this: Does this situation bother you, and why? I mean, putting aside “personal space” and all that, your feelings are what matter. If you feel a distance between you because of this, he needs to know that too.
Now, okay, personal space and all that has been talked about, but we also need to consider this: Is watching porn a necessity, a habit, or an escape? If it’s done in secret, is it because of your reaction or their own discomfort? It’s hard to draw conclusions without delving a bit deeper.
But for example, there’s this: We assume they are doing it secretly, but maybe they didn’t feel the need to share it with you rather than hiding it. So this situation might be “normal” for them, but it could be a “problem” for you. It’s important to look at where your standards diverge.