I have been married to my spouse for 10 years, and for the last 2 years, it feels like we are strangers in the same house. We can’t find anything to talk about, nor do we have the same bond as before. I’ve suggested therapy several times, but every time it has been rejected. Now I’m seriously considering divorce, but there are the children. They are 8 and 5 years old… Should I focus on myself or on my children’s stability? I’m very undecided.
8 Answers
8I had a similar experience too. My 12-year marriage ended and we had 2 children. My spouse never wanted to go to therapy. I stayed for the kids for 2 years, but during that time, I became more exhausted and the children started to understand the tension in the environment. In the end, we separated, and now the children are more at peace because they are not surrounded by fights and noise.
The problem with my ex-wife was that we couldn’t find anything to really talk about. We didn’t go to therapy, but we put some distance between us and allowed ourselves time. It still didn’t work out. If the kids are small, meaning 8 and 5, they have formed a serious bond with your relationship, so you’ll need to explain the situation to them very well. But as long as you are not happy, it will be difficult for them to be at peace too.
Divorce can certainly have an impact on children, but research shows that a healthy separation process causes less harm than living in a constant conflict environment. It is important to seek help from a family therapist in this regard, especially to understand the emotional states of the children. The child’s age, individual characteristics, etc., greatly affect this.
Let me add this: My spouse says that therapy is unnecessary, meaning they think it won’t be resolved this way. Generally, they are not a proponent of communication at all. They seem to be hiding things from the children as well, but I see them as very anxious now.
Let me ask, why doesn’t your spouse want therapy? Do they keep saying, ‘I am right, I didn’t do anything,’ or is their indecision due to your behavior? You mention children, but kids are more affected in an unstable environment. In this case, there might be things where you also fell short in communication.
I think you should think a bit longer before making your decision. Marriage is not an easy thing; you are talking about a huge part of life, 10 years. It’s also very important for children that the father figure is constantly at home. I suggest you try talking to your spouse again and look for a way. Divorce should be a last resort.
Have you ever thought about discussing these topics with your children? I mean in a way that clearly helps them understand how they feel. For example, asking “As parents, we have some issues; how do you feel about that?” Sometimes their reactions can guide you as well.
As a concrete suggestion, you might consider taking the children to a child psychologist for a few sessions. It would be a good step to understand how much this situation has affected them. Don’t let your spouse’s reluctance to seek therapy stop you—continue with individual therapy. As a happy individual, you can be a better role model for your children.