Everything was fine with my spouse, but recently I saw a notification that they became friends with their ex on social media. I don’t know, I have mixed feelings and I’m trying to figure out how to talk to them about this situation. Do you think this is meant to make me jealous, what should I do?
I experienced something similar; I found out they were still friends with their ex on social media. But eventually, it didn’t escalate anywhere else, I misunderstood. Still, it’s something that sticks in your mind.
If I say “my spouse” and they are still dealing with an ex-relationship, they should sit down and think about it, in my opinion. Marriage requires privacy; you can’t just be friends with everyone.
@kahvebitmeden you’re being too dramatic. I mean, just being friends aside, the guy might not even be aware. It’s odd to put so much value on a social media notification.
I think you should ask it like this: why did you become friends? I mean, show that you’re genuinely curious; you can’t solve this in your head any other way.
Did that person add friends or were they added? Have you noticed something like this before?
@pazardandondum I actually didn’t notice it for the first time, but this time it was triggered a bit when I saw in the notification that it was his ex. The previous ones were general friends.
@aklimkaldi and since this has happened before, why didn’t you react? If you keep giving tolerance like this, it’s just going to get worse.
speak clearly.
don’t build up and grow within yourself. ask and speak without exaggerating the response. either you misunderstood or there really is no malice. it can be resolved in two sentences.
Why are you speaking so definitively when you say “either you’ve misunderstood or there’s no ill intent”? Maybe there’s a third option: indifference. Do you think it’s better if his ex has been added and he’s not even aware of it?
If they aren’t even aware of it, that’s already a problem in itself. If they automatically add friends like that, it shows a lack of attention, a carelessness. They could also be asked: “How aware are you of who you are friends with?”
There’s also this: if he knows who his ex-girlfriend is and adds her again, he might be trying to deliberately “normalize” it. Is he perhaps trying to assert his position by saying, “There’s nothing wrong with this”? You can ask from this perspective as well.
But it’s also something to talk about that you feel this as a “trigger” just because a friend has added him. Are you worried about him having a normal relationship with his ex, or is it his behavior in general that bothers you? You need to clarify this so you can address the issue from the right perspective.
Or ask about the boundaries of establishing a “normal relationship”? I mean, being friends with an ex, adding them, greeting them… How “normal” is that? Is your idea of normal the same as theirs? It’s hard to resolve that without clarifying.
If your normal is not the same as theirs, it means that a common ground cannot be found. Forget the debate of “are you aware or not” and just ask this: “Does this bother you, will you fix it?” Let’s see what they do. Their actions reveal their intentions.
Well, if they disturb you and say “can you fix this”, let’s say they fixed it. But what will happen if they do something else they’re not aware of or don’t care about? Are you going to tell them one by one every time? The main issue here is not the action but a general awareness/priority problem. You need to discuss this.
Isn’t reducing everything to a “attention/priority problem” a bit reductive? Maybe it’s a boundary issue. I mean, is it “not being able to anticipate that it will be bothersome” or “not caring about it”? The two are different things. We need to clarify that.
There is a possibility like this: The person they added might be an ex, but they could see that relationship as something completely “over.” In other words, if they don’t attach any emotional significance to this connection in their mind and find it strange that you do? You might need to discuss this as well.
The idea that exes are considered “over” is a nice assumption, but the issue here is still action. If, among all the options, they keep adding their ex back in, how much can you believe in this “overness”? Even if they think it’s done in their head, their behavior doesn’t seem to support that. Just talking isn’t enough; I would say evaluate based on their actions.