I left my family’s side for university, but since I couldn’t get used to the dorm, I moved into a house with a roommate and I’m seriously having a crisis. The place looks like a battlefield every day, the trash isn’t being collected, and the dishes are piled up. I’ve tried to talk about it several times, but either my roommate agrees and then does nothing, or they just ignore me. I have to clean up, but I don’t have the strength to keep doing it anymore. What do you think I should do? Should I change cities and go back to my family?
Look, you’ve escaped from the dorm environment and moved home, but I have a feeling you’re really missing the family setting. Your roommate is clearly irresponsible, that’s for sure. But why do you put yourself in a position to serve him? Put his trash in the middle of the room, pile his dishes on the counter, and see if that brings any order. Going back to family isn’t the solution because you’re going to encounter people like this throughout your life.
It happened to me during my school years. I was literally cleaning up every day, and my friend didn’t care at all. Then one day, I sat down and said, ‘What happens if the trash isn’t collected for 2 days?’. Turns out I was feeling too responsible and was always the one maintaining the order. I eased up a bit, and when things got messy, my friend started to take action on their own. You might not have tried it, but I’d suggest you do.
Wait a minute, you keep saying you’ve tried to talk several times, but it seems like some other things are missing. Have you clarified the division of household chores since the very first day? Or is this situation because you got used to taking on all the burden yourself? Think about it from that perspective as well; maybe there wasn’t such an arrangement in their life before you. Reflect on yourself a bit.
I think the issue stems from the inability to draw a clear boundary. You need to establish a relationship where both parties clearly share responsibilities in human relationships. Perhaps you could prepare a schedule for taking out the trash or washing the dishes. If you put it in writing, it reduces the chances of just saying ‘okay’ and moving on. If you’re not getting any results, you need to question your compatibility in cohabitation.
I realized when you wrote this that we actually didn’t talk about division of labor at the beginning. We thought more like ‘we’ll figure it out anyway.’ In the beginning, I was handling the cleaning, but then it became a habit, I guess. Now that I’ve stopped, everything has totally fallen apart. I’ve said it many times, but it’s really hard to talk to someone who is very impulsive. Maybe the idea of a schedule will help; I’ll give it a try.
For example, you said the trash isn’t being collected. How long has this been going on? If you’re fighting this every day, it feels like this routine is almost established. So, has he noticed that you’re this disturbed? Even if he isn’t ignoring the situation, could it be that he hasn’t understood its seriousness?
Alright, let me give you a concrete suggestion. Grab a pen and paper and make a weekly task list. Write down who takes out the trash and who does the dishes. Set clear rules for your application and communicate them openly. If it’s still not working, sit down and tell them you can’t continue with the roommate situation. But express everything clearly and directly. It’s not worth draining your own psychology.
It’s not fair for this kind of workload to fall solely on you. As a woman, we already constantly take on responsibilities due to the societal perception of ‘cleaning is my job.’ But two adults living in a home should share responsibilities equally. Make it clear that cleaning is not solely your duty. If your friend doesn’t understand this, seriously consider moving because this is simply exploiting your labor.