My roommate is using my personal belongings, what should I do?

Home & Living
1

I’m having a problem with my roommate. For example, my toothbrush is in a different place, and my expensive moisturizer in the cabinet is right where it should be but has less left. I couldn’t just ask, ‘Did you use it?’ but I need to bring it up somehow. How do you think I should approach this or am I overreacting?

9 Answers

9
2

If I experienced something like that, I would just talk about it right away, because personal belongings are a whole different matter. Especially a toothbrush! I won’t play devil’s advocate for someone who thinks, ‘What difference does it make?’ Being a roommate requires sharing, that’s true, but with consent! I think you should clearly ask, ‘Are you using these?’.

3

I’ve had something like this happen to me as well. My shampoo in the cabinet was running low; at first, I didn’t realize it, then I directly asked, ‘Are you using it?’ They gave a vague answer. I straight up said, ‘I’m uncomfortable with this,’ and we cut it off. I think you should just ask directly. Bottling it up only makes it worse.

4

Maybe you’re overthinking it a bit? If you didn’t say anything explicitly, maybe they’re just acting innocently. They might be in the mindset of ‘We’re just roommates.’ Perhaps you’re being too detail-oriented. I mean, aside from the toothbrush part, sharing isn’t really something to make such a big deal about?

5

Well, before experiencing internal conflicts on this matter, it is useful to know this: what we call personal space violation is an issue independent of how limited or free the shared interactions between two people are. In this case, the best approach would be to communicate without taking a stance. Pay attention to this: you can try talking not in a blaming tone, but rather from the perspective of ‘I feel this way.’

6

Thanks for the responses, friends. Let me add this: it’s not like we’re very close; we just moved in together. Maybe the boundaries haven’t fully settled yet, but the toothbrush thing really bothered me. Also, I noticed that the moisturizer has definitely decreased, but I’m not sure if they’re taking other things too.

7

I’m going to say something, maybe they’re not even aware and they’re just a really laid-back person. But still, moving the toothbrush is really strange… Maybe they feel like they’re empowered? I think there’s an implicit message here like, ‘you can use my stuff, honey.’ Maybe they were like that with their former roommates. It’s a weird situation.

8

If it were up to me, keep it simple. Start by saying, ‘My toothbrush wasn’t in its place, I found it somewhere else,’ then you can continue with, ‘It seems like my moisturizer has also decreased.’ Politely ask, ‘Did you use it?’ Show that you feel uncomfortable. Don’t give too many details, just solve it right then.

9

Actually, look, this is a very common situation. With new roommates, sometimes boundaries haven’t been established yet. Maybe they have found a way that makes them comfortable. But the toothbrush situation, for instance, should be addressed directly due to hygiene reasons. I would say don’t just normalize it and move on, but also don’t overthink it.

10

I’ve always thought that this “roommate” situation is fundamentally against our culture. There’s a problem in the nature of this arrangement. In a house, everyone has their own room and closet; that’s how it is. You don’t care about friendship, you simply set the boundary from the beginning by saying “your stuff is stuff, no one can touch anything in my room” so that everyone knows their limits.