My sister was finally on the verge of getting engaged when my mom suddenly said, ‘It’s too early.’ I believe she’s putting pressure on my sister because she’s always anxious, saying, ‘As if she needs to earn a lot of money, it can’t be done without buying a house.’ This situation is really stressing my sister out, and I can’t stand it either. What should I do while my family intervenes so much?
Something similar happened to us too. During my sister’s engagement, my mom always pressured her by asking “Is the work ready?” My sister cried several times, but in the end, my dad told her to back off, and she felt a bit more relaxed.
But on the other hand, she’s right; the new generation is in such a hurry. Every mother wants things to settle down a bit before marriage. Rather than being in debt and unhappy…
This “early” thing seems a bit silly to me. How old is this girl, nearing 30 and still waiting for her mom’s permission?
You said your sister is ruining your morale with your mother’s words, but does your fiancé’s family know about such a situation?
@soncaykaldi they don’t know at the moment, but if things continue like this, it seems they’ll have to intervene. My mom has been constantly saying ‘you rushed before too.’
@kahvebitmeden back then people might have been more at ease, but now even two people working is still tough. Are they supposed to postpone the engagement just because of work? Besides, that job could change over time too.
There’s no single solution anymore, everyone will have to find their own way.
Could there be other reasons behind the mother worrying this much? Is she not quite fond of her sister’s suitor, or is she expressing another issue in this way? Sometimes the matter at hand can be different from what it seems.
Is this due to Annen’s past experiences, I wonder? If she’s saying, “You rushed things before,” maybe an issue from that marriage is still affecting her. But this is your life; you can’t act based on her fears. It would be clearer if you speak openly.
It felt a bit strange that my mother keeps repeating the phrase “you rushed into it” so often. Is she implying that the “rush” is related to the consequences of the marriage or is it just a general prejudice? Have you seen her take a direct stance against your brother’s fiancée, or does she always speak in such indirect ways? I don’t think it can be resolved without clarification.
Your mother’s emphasis on “early” or “hasty” seems a bit like a veiled objection. The reference to a past event likely indicates she experienced some disappointment during that time. However, it’s not right for her to shape someone else’s future based on those fears. To understand better, you might try directly asking, “What exactly is bothering you?” Sometimes, when people don’t express something clearly, everything becomes more complicated.
So they got married, but what happened, did they divorce? We actually don’t even know that. And what about the situation with the fiancé’s family? Maybe the mother is hesitant about that. Everyone dives headfirst into engagement, but the harmony between both sides is important.
If Anne is beating around the bush this much, she either doesn’t like the fiancé or there’s some issue in the family that she can’t openly talk about. Also, could there be a financial concern hidden under all this talk of “hurry”? It’s been said that “even if two people work, it’s tough”; perhaps the mother is focused on making ends meet, and all the other comments are just excuses.
Anne may believe that “acting early” can lead to negative outcomes, possibly due to her own experiences. Is she perhaps amplifying her own life or the examples around her in her mind? So, the issue might not just be about her fiancé or family, but could also be a general survival strategy. Have you ever tried talking to her about her past experiences?
Anne may be behaving this way not only based on her own past but perhaps also on her observations regarding your sibling. Someone who finds the engagement rushed generally thinks that the partner is “not known well enough.” How well do you know your fiancé’s character, for example? She might be questioning the individual rather than the family.
Maybe the issue isn’t related to time, but rather that your mother had different expectations that weren’t met. For example, not being included in the engagement process or not having her opinion considered could have hurt her. That’s just how moms are; sometimes they sulk quietly but don’t say it directly. Have you ever thought if there was a break in the relationship there?
Okay, but they’re always talking about your mother’s past or general fears. What does your brother say about this? I mean, the process of getting to know the fiancée, whether it’s rushed, the reasoning behind this marriage decision… While your brother stays so quiet, is the discussion turning into your mother’s comfort? Is the person who needs to make the decision clear? We’ve never questioned that.
I don’t think it’s healthy to stay silent and let the discussion revolve around your mother. The person who will make the engagement decision is your sibling; what do they think, how do they feel, are they clear in this process? If they are seriously considering and questioning your mother’s discomfort, then maybe they really need to reevaluate some things. If it’s just a case of withdrawing because “my mom doesn’t want this,” then that already suggests that this decision hasn’t been made firmly enough. Have you had a serious conversation with your sibling?
How well do you really know your fiancé? Let’s say mom was mistaken in the past, what if you’re the one who’s wrong? It’s always “mom doesn’t trust”, but do you trust? How did you get that assurance, was it something that happened, or just a feeling of them being a “good person”?